This is our truth, tell us yours
There has been a lack of sex here recently, that needs to be rectified. SO this post will probably be seen by some as graphic, and the usual disclaimer, we are not writing BDSM how to guide.
Those of you who follow me on twitter will be aware I had a low weekend. It’s not new, and despite hopes to the contrary it wont be the last time. I do not suffer from chronic depression, not any more, I do experience episodes when the black dog visits however. A feature of those episodes is I push people close to me, believing in abandonment I try to make my belief the reality.
When you are a sub an added layer of complexity is added to temper tantrums though. You have chosen a role of obedience, and submission to another. I am also aware that my public behaviour reflects on the one I have chosen to submit too. I use the word chosen twice there because this cannot be emphasized enough, I chose my role, a relationship where there are rules, even if they are few in number, a relationship where I am meant to remember who I belong to and what that means.
A lot is written about terms like informed consent, enthusiastic consent and so on within the BDSM world, and wider. It is a vital topic, but sometimes I wonder if it becomes a tick box exercise to replace the fact that lust does not mean your brain gets to be switched off, that great, explosive, mind blowing sex is also mindful sex. Which is where this gets graphic.
Picture a sub, ready and willing to be used. She craves pain, punishment some might call it, although that is outside the rules of her D/s relationship.(For the very good reason that “Asking for it” or “deserved it” are to resonant of the words of abusers to both her and her Dominant). She is the model of obedience, and also consent. She bends for the cane with speed and without demurring, she inserts a dildo as instructed and when ordered lies back on the bed to have sex toys used on her.
So far so kink.com. Except this sub (and no I am not using slashy speak there) dissociates. It’s not something that I do often, and has never happened to me before with Carter. It’s a very strange feeling. I could feel the dildo and butt plug inside me, but with no sexual response at all. In fact I resisted any response. I was being obedient and somewhere in my head I had decided that was what mattered. So lets talk consent. In what way was I not consenting? Did not my behaviour show informed consent?
Luckily I was with someone who doesn’t live by the tick box. The toys were removed and with care and concern I was guided to a point where I could speak, where understanding was reached. The fact this was done via fisting and certain sex acts that a sub never allows to be performed on herself is a part of the story still making me smile. There was a no then, a loud one, which was ignored as the unvoiced No earlier was listened too. * This was not overriding consent though, it was knowing me, knowing me so intimately that the reaction to certain things can be predicted with 100% certainty.
As the walls came down, the orgasms overwhelmed my body, and the bed sheets got soaked, I opened up completely. I returned to a place of obedience, not of acting obedient, but of being nothing but putty, responding, this was more than saying yes, this was begging yes please.
Consent lies at the heart of what we do, but it is not as simple as saying yes, or no, and then using those words as a defence or excuse. However nuance when it comes to sex is as welcome as a Dom in a kilt in the cigar dungeon.