Sometimes, it's just a cigar

This is our truth, tell us yours

No means NO

There has been a lack of sex here recently, that needs to be rectified. SO this post will probably be seen by some as graphic, and the usual disclaimer, we are not writing  BDSM how to guide.

Those of you who follow me on twitter will be aware I had a low weekend. It’s not new, and despite hopes to the contrary it wont be the last time. I do not suffer from chronic depression, not any more, I do experience episodes when the black dog visits however. A feature of those episodes is I push people close to me, believing in abandonment I try to make my belief the reality.

When you are a sub an added layer of complexity is added to temper tantrums though. You have chosen a role of obedience, and submission to another. I am also aware that my public behaviour reflects on the one I have chosen to submit too. I use the word chosen twice there because this cannot be emphasized enough, I chose my role, a relationship where there are rules, even if they are few in number, a relationship where I am meant to remember who I belong to and what that means.

A lot is written about terms like informed consent, enthusiastic consent and so on within the BDSM world, and wider. It is a vital topic, but sometimes I wonder if it becomes a tick box exercise to replace the fact that lust does not mean your brain gets to be switched off, that great, explosive, mind blowing sex is also mindful sex. Which is where this gets graphic.

Picture a sub, ready and willing to be used. She craves pain, punishment some might call it, although that is outside the rules of her D/s relationship.(For the very good reason that “Asking for it” or “deserved it” are to resonant of the words of abusers to both her and her Dominant). She is the model of obedience, and also consent. She bends for the cane with speed and without demurring, she inserts a dildo as instructed and when ordered lies back on the bed to have sex toys used on her.

So far so kink.com. Except this sub (and no I am not using slashy speak there) dissociates. It’s not something that I do often, and has never happened to me before with Carter. It’s a very strange feeling. I could feel the dildo and butt plug inside me, but with no sexual response at all. In fact I resisted any response. I was being obedient and somewhere in my head I had decided that was what mattered. So lets talk consent. In what way was I not consenting? Did not my behaviour show informed consent?

Luckily I was with someone who doesn’t live by the tick box. The toys were removed and with care and concern I was guided to a point where I could speak, where understanding was reached. The fact this was done via fisting and certain sex acts that a sub never allows to be performed on herself is a part of the story still making me smile. There was a no then, a loud one, which was ignored as the unvoiced No earlier was listened too. * This was not overriding consent though, it was knowing me, knowing me so intimately that the reaction to certain things can be predicted with 100% certainty.

As the walls came down, the orgasms overwhelmed my body, and the bed sheets got soaked, I opened up completely. I returned to a place of obedience, not of acting obedient, but of being nothing but putty, responding, this was more than saying yes, this was begging yes please.

Consent lies at the heart of what we do, but it is not as simple as saying yes, or no, and then using those words as a defence or excuse. However nuance when it comes to sex is as welcome as a Dom in a kilt in the cigar dungeon.

* I know some of you are dying to know what extreme act of kink he performed, I cannot even bring myself to type it, but it involved my bits and his mouth and tongue!
Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

15 comments on “No means NO

  1. Marie Rebelle
    April 29, 2014

    Love this! Love how he saw you needed attention and how he guided you back. That’s beautiful! You and I are privileged to have Dominants who know us so well!

    Rebel xox

    • jemima2013
      April 29, 2014

      We are :) there was more i could have written, of the specifics of how a kiss or a touch, gentle and demanding at the same time were used, but for now i just want to treasure those moments.

  2. serafinasamadhi
    April 30, 2014

    “* I know some of you are dying to know what extreme act of kink he performed, I cannot even bring myself to type it, but it involved my bits and his mouth and tongue”

    I can only imagine! wink!

    • jemima2013
      April 30, 2014

      then you have a dirty mind ;-)

  3. John
    April 30, 2014

    Interesting post; my BDSM relationship is not as “intense”/”deep”/”involved” (I am not sure these are the right words, but I hope you understand what I mean) so obedience isn’t so much of a big thing.

    In fact, I often tease and badger if I want to get punished and wifey knows this! Just our dynamic.

    • jemima2013
      May 3, 2014

      One of the reasons i love things like wicked wednessday is seeing all of the different dynamics people have, no right or wrong, just finding their own way.
      I do think its different when a woman is on top though, there isnt the history of domestic violence that permeates society.

  4. Molly
    April 30, 2014

    I have certainly had to be pushed into finding the right spot (in my mind) to be fully engaged with that is happening. He is very good at making sure I am ‘concentrating’ for want of a better word. I agree with you about consent. It is not always clear cut and certainly not often verbally expressed. For us it is a result of a deep knowledge of one another

    Mollyxxx

    • jemima2013
      May 3, 2014

      So pleased you got what i was trying to say, :)

  5. F Dot Leonora
    May 1, 2014

    i love how you note that bdsm is mindful sex, this post is very powerful. and of course sexy, glad you decided to bring sexy back to the blog!

    • cartertheblogger
      May 2, 2014

      ‘BDSM is mindful sex’ could be a perfect title for a blog post, and it may well be.

      • F Dot Leonora
        May 2, 2014

        it certainly could be, and should be more explored…

        • jemima2013
          May 3, 2014

          I agree!

  6. Pingback: Following your gut | Sometimes, it's just a cigar

  7. Kinky Mia
    May 3, 2014

    Communication takes on many forms does it not? Words are not the only way to communicate and when you REALLY know someone, sometimes, words are not necessary and this post exquisitely shows this!!

    Beautiful post!

    ~Mia~ xx

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