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Risk Analysis

Be aware this post discusses rape play and links to a news report of an attempt to arrange an assault. 

 

When I was young and innocent, OK a few years back when I first started exploring BDSM, I like many newbies looked online and in looking attracted the attention of those who prefer their kink pixelated. The two men I ended up playing with most often knew how to push my embryonic sub buttons, online at least. However after a couple of months I decided to end our online games.

The reasons were different in each case, one kept making demands, buy these gloves, that lipstick, the other pushed me too far too quickly. Their reaction was the same though, suddenly men who had been content with private rooms on a swinging site or msn wanted to meet. They offered to visit me, or send me train tickets, they expected me to want real life submission without the protection of the computer screen.

They had missed the vital fact, that when a sub gives herself to someone a complex risk analysis is taking place. You are putting yourself in a position of extreme vulnerability, and even if the process is never conscious, it occurs, it is what lies behind the old trope that a sub chooses a Dom and not the other way round. My playmates were ignoring the fact that if I was not willing to take the chance to continue online there was zero chance of it happening offline.

Doms too, or men who wish to Dominate have to perform a risk analysis too, and we have had another story this week of people stepping from the world of online to offline without making basic checks. Pretending to be someone else Joanne Berry found men online who wanted to explore consensual non consent, the posh term for rape fantasies, she then gave them a colleagues home address, and after simply exchanging messages online three different men arrived at the property to make fantasy reality. They clearly hadn’t phoned or met the woman before hand, willing to take a chance on one of the most risky forms of fantasy play there is.

When you play with fantasies, or you like edge play with ropes, breath, knives or other fun toys, it might seem that you have stepped away from the real world. The reality is that you need to be even closer to earth, your feet even more firmly on the ground. Perhaps that is what I sensed was missing about my cyber Doms, and also what I realized when I made my oh so wise decisions to finally move from online to real world submission. Its wonderful to be ruled by your loins, but that can only happen if you have first allowed your head to run the show.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

7 comments on “Risk Analysis

  1. cartertheblogger
    May 7, 2014

    I have never enjoyed myself as much as the moment when I explained to you, in that lovely restaurant, that I was paying for lunch with a credit card so you would know I was happy to leave a paper trail. That, as I explained before leaving for my conference, was how a first meeting should go…
    I’ve had plenty of moments of smugness since, but the look in your eyes that day as the lights came on was a deep joy.

    • jemima2013
      May 7, 2014

      never…I am almost tempted to see that as a challenge hee hee

  2. larryarcher
    May 7, 2014

    While only being peripherally involved in light BDSM, I would recommend to never meet up with someone off the Internet especially for BDSM and really for most kinks. Meet at a munch or some neutral place. To me what would be better would be to start attending regular munches and pick from what you find there. If nothing else there is the chance someone else will warn you against or for a particular person.

    • jemima2013
      May 7, 2014

      well never say never, cos i met Carter online, and kink communities are notorious for protecting abusers. However i would say that getting to know the person away from masturbatory fantasies is vital for any play that is going to occur in a private place with no one else present however you do that is up to you and your boundaries and limits.

  3. Marie Rebelle
    May 8, 2014

    This is such an important post for subs and Doms to read!

    I never had to do a risk analysis, as pure by natural ‘development’ my Husband became my Dom, but in a way the risk analysis was done before the time. And since we play with others, I am allowed to voice my concerns and thoughts when there are new Doms involved, and Master T takes that into consideration.

    Great post!

    Rebel xox

    • jemima2013
      May 9, 2014

      thank you! And i do know what you mean, its different when a D/s relationship grows out of an already existing one, but maybe if just one person looking for a Dom reads it and considers exactly what they are giving then it would be wonderful!

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This entry was posted on May 7, 2014 by in Uncategorized and tagged , .

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