This is our truth, tell us yours
Yes, the N word.
No. Nyet. Non.
The no word.
It’s a word that gets intrinsically linked to sex if you’re in a BDSM relationship. You might dress it up with safe words, or contractual arrangements designed to avoid ever getting to the stage where you want to say No, but it’s still all about the N word.
I can’t get away from the parallels between sex and sport. I can remember Roberto Duran gasping ‘no mas’ as he was tormented to defeat by Sugar Ray Leonard. I have experienced exhaustion on the field of sport. I watched, too, Chris Froome bonking on a stage of this year’s Tour de France.
There is a deep and abiding pleasure in having sex with someone whose greatest sexual commitments are to honesty, authenticity, and not saying the N word. The greatest gift I can give such a person is to reach towards the point at which she can contemplate saying the N word.
The greatest cruelty would be to intervene and try to save her from the urge to say the N word. My sub friend, my ally, is at her best when she achieves her pleasure without me trying to intervene and save her from herself.
Friends who read whorephobia or other similar Twitter streams might recognise a theme. It isn’t my job to save my friends from their choices. They make them. It’s my job to be the best I can be, the safest, and the most observant.
If that involves playing with people for whom the N word is a challenge, then my job is not to hide from it, but to trust them, and enjoy what follows.
That’s real respect.