This is our truth, tell us yours
Since the topic of the rights, and wrongs, of public sex have come up quite frequently in the comments, we thought we would republish some of our thoughts from elsewhere.
In her fictionalised essay, A Room of Ones Own, Virginia Woolf deems financial security and privacy the two vital elements in producing fiction. I hope most readers can come up with several authors who challenge the idea you need to be well off to produce great fiction. However the need for privacy is one I can recognise and sympathise with. Like many of her era she saw childbirth and the raising of children as a barrier to female success. The suicide of Judith Shakespeare caused by the realisation her pregnancy permanently trapped her. Once you become a mother there is no privacy, no escape from the demands of your offspring. This was a common view, and draws a direct line of heritage to those who saw Thatcher as a feminist icon even while her children were farmed off to a succession of nannies. Women could not be maternal and succeed. Today the idea still persists, but thankfully words like balance, compartmentalization, me time have also entered the debate.
Should you be a BDSM fuckslut with a bag full of canes in an ikea bag (just how middle class is that) and a boxful of other toys including cuffs, dildos and butt plugs, under the bed, you have a need for privacy that goes beyond a desire for some “me” time and a few Cosmo’s. I live a life where that room with a locked door is an internal necessity, not just a luxury. I may feel that submitting is an important aspect of me, an expression of myself as important as writing was to Woolf, but I want a balance with the things that keep me sane and grounded, my family, my friends.
Which, by way of a very long, and slightly pretentious introduction, (I mean critiquing Woolf in a paragraph!) brings me to those less concerned with privacy. Last week I passed a lay by marked as a picnic spot. The local I was with suggested that it was a less than idyllic beauty spot, especially after dark. It was a dogging site. Now I like outdoor sex, I like sex with strangers, so you might think I was straight down there at sunset ready to take on the world, or at least whichever truckers and assorted voyeurs were out and about. There was however one massive problem. The lay by was situated next to a row of houses. It was not discovery I feared, my objections were ethical, and go back to that need for privacy I think should be part of the make up of a healthy adult.
I cannot find it acceptable to inflict my naked body having sex on unsuspecting people, of any age, who happen to look out of their windows. Doggers will often argue that it is only prudery or narrow-mindedness that causes people to object to their activities. The idea that someone might not want to see men giving each other blowjobs, or a woman spread over the bonnet of a car being wanked over, is not apparently acceptable. They dismiss objectors as petty, or “vanilla”. I simply see them as people with different ideas of privacy, and their world has different things in their own locked room. It may seem odd to some readers but spend enough time reading swinging and dogging forums and you will end up having to defend the right of people to have indoor monogamous sex. Such people will be insulted and laughed at, and their choice derided.
Yet these same people want acceptance, they want to be mainstream. BDSM folk walk in gay pride marches, as if being kinky were the same as your sexuality. Kink makes sex better for some, but unlike homosexuality it is a choice. Doggers want dogging sites to be legalised, and insist only fuddyduddies would object to this. Now there are aspects of police policy I object too, letters sent out to any car user seen in a known dogging area to scare them being high on my list, however I respect those whose views differ to mine. you do not have a right to invade another’s privacy and if that means you cant go to a certain place to have outdoor sex, well suck it up buttercup, respect they are different to you, just as you are different to them.
This respect is at the heart of my views on what I do and privacy. This blog is not a campaign. I have realised if it were I could not write for it. I do not want to have rights other than those I already have, BDSM is not, as we say, a lifestyle choice. I would like the law clarified when it came to S&M and consent. So that in private I can be who I want to be. Forcing my kink down the throats of others not only seems unattractive, but unnecessary. Respect my right to privacy and I respect yours. It’s not about reciprocity, but consistency, which all too often seems missing from discussions about sex