This is our truth, tell us yours
Earlier this week my fellow traveler linked to this beautiful piece of writing by Hyacinth Jones, exploring the feelings a Dominant has when things go wrong. A conversation with Carter made me see that this is the choice He makes, to push, to take the risk, and the responsibility, it also reminded me of this old blog, about limits, self knowledge and trust.
I had a minor twitter rant this week, a Domme wanted more followers for one of her subs. It is the kind of game I could have imagined playing in times gone by. One way of getting a sub to accept, to revel in their sexuality and submission, is to publicly display it. I have logged onto chatrooms under orders to show off, or chat up a man (a serious problem for me in the past) or use specific toys, all of which were lessons in liking myself and submission. So, so far so par for the course. Then she upped the ante, if he did not get the followers he would be whipped with a certain flogger, one he apparently hated. This is where I saw red.
YKINMK* is all very well, acceptance, tolerance, all the fine flowery words of a world where kittens shit rainbows and unicorns frolic. We do not live in that world, you only need to spend anytime around subs or on fet boards to see what can happen when we think love/submission conquers all and believe the advice of the online, no limits community. If a submissive really hates something then you have stepped into the world of abuse. I assume you are looking for the caveat here, the “but” to show I am keeping to the editorial line of not telling others what to do. There is not one.
Imagine a vanilla relationship (Jem’s rule is if something works it works in every dynamic) where one person hates oral sex, I don’t mean doesn’t mind, or thinks it’s a bit icky but genuinely hates. Their partner will only have sex with them if they perform oral sex first. Would we consider this a healthy relationship ? Would we say they had to do it to keep their partner happy or obey the laws written by all-knowing Gods of the interweb? Or would we point out that something was very rotten in the state of Denmark and communication, counselling, and if they did not work, leaving, were vital? Yes all relationships are in some way a compromise, but not to the extent that one person’s genuine feelings are ignored for the benefit of the other.
Now this is no doubt where some BDSM readers are thinking “Ahhh but you clearly have negotiated consent, contracts, I am wilder, freer, without limits, than that. If I hate something My Dominant can still do it because I am just that submissive.” We do not of course have any of those, I submit, without the false safety of safe words, the madness of contracts or any negotiations. We do have rules of course, no marks on parts of my body that would attract the attention of busy bodies being perhaps the most obvious. What we also have is an understanding of what Dominance and submission means to us. I mentioned my forays to chat-rooms earlier. There was embarrassment at first, one task in particular had my cheeks burning with shame even whilst my pussy was soaking wet with excitement. I completed it because I wanted to please him, he has always understood the role of the Dominant to turn that No into an enthusiastic yes. Not to take one for the team, or from my own fears of abandonment or insecurities, but because I wish to.
An example from yesterday will perhaps explain what I mean. I hate biting, or rather I did. If I were asked to name a hard limit it would probably have been being bit. I could never see what was erotic about it, even the thought made my flesh creep. Then He, in a very intense, emotional session, gently bit me on the shoulder, even now the reaction of my mind and body is hard to describe, the intensity, the pleasure, the thought; “You just bit me! ” The fear and the longing he would do it again. Which he did. Had he tried to do it 2 years ago, to assert his Dominance by deliberately doing something I hate, I very much doubt this blog would exist. It has to be said though that anyone who has to assert their dominance is probably safer staying in the realms of cyber BDSM.
Trust is not an automatic condition of being in a D/s relationship, nor is it the automatic right of a Dominant, they earn it, and when they do, so much is possible.