This is our truth, tell us yours
This is the first in what will probably be a series of posts on Fetish and BDSM. It is very much a thinking aloud post and comments would be very welcome.
The human urge to find something to identify with as an indicator of who we are seems universal. Today 22 men are running around a football pitch, as thousands of other people wave coloured flags, identifying their tribe. Confusingly some people are being criticized because they are supporting a tribe according to where they were born rather than where they live now. Other people think you can never switch tribe, but refuse to fully explain the rules around this.
People have been killed, simply for wearing the wrong tribal colours in the wrong place at the wrong time, highlighting how much this matters to people. This is just sport, which no matter what an egotist once said, is not a matter of life and death. When we throw sex into the equation it gets even more convoluted and complex, with sub grouping dividing into sub grouping with a myriad of branches and off shoots. It is also, literally a matter of life, and death, since we fuck to ensure our genes are continued after we die.
Which makes the fact we have turned sex into something incredibly complex worth looking at. We fuck because we are designed to (and no that’s not creationism, more lazy language) On a biological level the human body is a DNA replicator, the point of existence is so ensure as much of our DNA as possible continues past our demise. evolution is simply a process of defining and refining the method of transmission.
All of which makes perfect sense until we get to the fact that people can get aroused sexually by just around everything and anything. Picture a man who likes being fisted and fucked with a strap on, he may also like being fucked by cocks, but being bi isn’t the tribe he wants to belong to. He defines himself as submissive and adds wearing women’s clothing into the mix. However as I hope regular readers will be aware, playing with gender roles is hardly a sign of submission. It is however one of the signifiers of a certain tribe. It might be that he has a fetish for certain clothing, or it may be that he believes this is what a submissive male wears, it is certainly a common trope. Whatever is happening, it is not replicating his DNA except over the Dommes hand when she finally allows him to come.
Fetishes fascinate me. Mainly because genuine ones are so rare. Carter recently joked that I had a fetish for booted and suited Doms. It isn’t true of course, I have never been caught masturbating in Moss Bross and do not sneak the next catalogue into my bedroom for some private time. I get aroused by one particular person suited and booted. The term is often used to indicate a preference though, indeed BDSM folk often use it interchangeably with kink or BDSM and the biggest online site, Fetlife has adopted it.
This might be at the heart of why I have almost nothing to do with the scene, and other people who enjoy BDSM. You see the moment you insist your bedroom fun is a fetish, you are in fact fetishing it, and yourselves. WHy would someone want to be defined by one aspect of the glorious creation that is a human being? Why would they chose a word that suggests monomania?
We fuck, we do other things, things that leave marks and scars, things that make me float come and smile. Is this the only way I can have sex? No. Is this the only way I can be sexually aroused, most certainly not! Yet that is the definition of a fetish. Perhaps though it is the other definition that those who insist on using the term fet are unconsciously reaching for, the holy object of power and adoration. It’s that tribal thing again. People wanting to belong, and believing their sexual behaviour somehow defines them. The fetish is not for being whipped or tied up, but imbuing the objects of BDSM, the collar, the canes, with an identity that becomes their identity,
I refuse to be defined solely by one aspect of my life, regardless of how important it is to me, just as I refuse to be defined as a mother, or a wife, or any of the other limiting ideas that society tries to impose.