This is our truth, tell us yours
So I was informed last night via the old twitters that I am a transvestite. There is an interesting thing to be written about the disappearance of women who dress as men as a transgressive norm. The Victorians were exceptionally fond of it, to the extent that the pit girls of Wigan were one of the first sub genres of porn.
Of course they actually meant that they thought I was trans, because I list my preferred pronouns on my bio. I have explained before why I do this, assumptions about what gender people are, and subsequent misgendering causes lots of pain for those who are not cis. It seems to me that the easiest way to stop this would be if everyone stopped making assumptions. it is a tiny thing, but it is a concrete step towards a world where people ask, and others felt able to say without fear or prejudice.
Assumptions are funny, I have, as Carter likes to say, a straight pass. The assumption of hetrosexuality as the default factory setting means even if I had not produced offspring, or had relationships with men, people would see a woman and assume I was looking for my handsome prince to make my life complete.
I have written before of my teenage years, and struggling to understand my sexuality. The world told me you could be a lesbian, if you really wanted to wear docs and burn your bra, or you could like cock, and so I tried to work out what the hell I was. Its more complicated when you grow up somewhere conservative in every sense of the word, and when lesbian is as big an insult as frigid in the hell we call high school.
Eventually I learnt the term bi, discovered there were other people like me, somewhere, probably London, where the streets were paved with rainbow flags, and the long road to self acceptance began. Except…
Read that paragraph about growing up confused again, I knew I liked women, I also knew I liked cock, licking it, sucking it, touching it, boys, or men though…they never really entered my thoughts. My crushes were, and still are other girls and women. It has always seemed obvious to me that women are more attractive than men, that surely every bi woman fancies other women, because who wouldn’t?
Hmmmmm assumptions. Of course as a teen I didn’t know some women have cocks, or that some men dont. My ideas were formed much younger than that, in a messy swirl of events, sensations, memories and emotions that I understand in my own head, but perhaps am only coming to understand the implications of so many years later.
I believe sexuality is innate, there is enough good research to back me up. I won’t link, google, it will help clear the Christmas fug. Why this might be so is open to speculation, were I going to I might suggest population control and the fact people who are gay/queer/non hetro can still reproduce, so the gay gene (though I doubt it is a single gene) would be passed on. However we are not just products of our genes, we are affected by our environment too, in as deep and abiding way as our “natural” inclination.
So if you are someone born to view women as the partners you desire, but life events teach you that cocks are nice, and bring pleasure (as well as pain) and your first emotional entanglement is with a man, then that innate sexuality might just get a little more complex and messy. The world doesn’t like messy though, it likes straight lines and clear cut demarcations. The traditional narrative of my life is that I should have grown up hating men, but traditional narratives are good for little more than silencing survivors.
Now by this point regular readers will no doubt be thinking, hang on, you are clearly in a relationship of some sort with a man, and happy and fulfilled in that relationship. Surely words like bi or pansexual sum you up better than lesbian, which you know, means finds only women attractive. Lesbianism has of course come to mean so much more than that, political lesbianism espoused by bigots like Brennan and Bindel sees it as a deliberate choice, yet again putting them on the side of the religious right who believe in gay cures. They see not sleeping with men as a choice, and are still apparently lesbians, so surely choosing to sleep with men is a choice a lesbian can also make?
There is more to this than semantics around language. Knowing who you are, and how you ended up where you are is one of the most important things a human being can do. For example my attitude to casual sex has been defined by some as “masculine”, and on one memorable occasion psychopathic. Does it make more sense to see it as a feature of someone who is not looking for a relationship with men, because deep down they were never looking with a relationship with any man? The fact I am in relationships with men is not because they are men, but because they are who they are, outside of gender. Interestingly neither is a conventional romantic relationship, something I could only imagine having with a woman.
There are other aspects I am still working out in my head, how far does this also go to explain my difficult relationships with other women, and the ease with which I get on with men, who are simply mates, with no added complications? The nervousness I have around women, and the assumption (that word again) they won’t like me, or want me may also start to make more sense. When something matters more to you, but you dont understand why, then your reactions can seem out of context or confusing. However dont worry, I never intend to stop being a cock slut, it brings too much happiness, and not only to me.