This is our truth, tell us yours
This should perhaps be considered a two part post, with Carters comment a wonderful insight into why you cannot train or teach somethings.
When someone suggested we write a post about sexual positions it raised a wry smile in our totally imaginary dungeon. Do they mean how Carter manages to make me feel out of control and yet totally controlled while I am on top? Or perhaps the training which means when I am told to lie on the bed I do so with my legs automatically held in a certain position, for the least vanilla missionary (especially when it involves anal) the world has ever seen? I can’t even start to explain the orgasm from sitting on his lap,by nothing more than his manipulation of his thighs, because I don’t understand what he did or how it happened.
This might seem rather personal, but that is the point. I have mentioned before the wonderful weirdness of orgasming from touching him, and it is true that while I have to struggle to think of his eye colour I do not even need to close my eyes to picture his cock in perfect detail. I am sure many dim doms would love the idea of learning how to make their sub come from a gentle kiss on the neck, but unless they are Him, and their sub me, and they have exactly the same experiences as we have, they can learn nothing from our exploration of the deadly art of amazing fucking.
The same is true of our more vanilla readership. Everything from Cosmo to Channel four tries to pretend they than teach technique, when what they really mean is that they have a few pretty basic sexual suggestions, that if you have never tried you probably need more than basic suggestions to enliven your sex life. They confuse what makes sex incredible with a how to guide in order to shame and titliate in equal measure.
Now how to guides can be important, if you want to tie someone, it matters you do not cut off circulation. But when it comes to sex what other people do is useless in determining what will work for you. In fact it is probably responsible for more bad sex than one WKD too many on a Saturday night. Too often we look at others, swinging from the metaphorical chandeliers of uninhibited and wild sex and think that is what we should be doing. Should is the word that kills good sex. As an aside I think this was probably what was behind the smugsexual bollocks. People saw open liberated talk about sex as threatening because deep down they thought they should be the same. The should was not imposed by us though, but by their own idea that the grass over there (watered as it was by the sexual juices of wild orgies and licentiousness) was greener. The moment should enters sex, in any form, then great sex withers and dies.
Back to my main point though. Asking others how to have great sex is a pointless question. There is someone you can ask though, and that of course is the person you hope to have sex with. Carter is able to send me to the places he does because he has listened, and used his knowledge of me. The great thing about listening is it means instead of technique you focus on pleasure, the other person, and most wonderfully informed consent. Sex moves from being something you get gold stars for if you pass from novice to Master, and becomes what it can be at its most glorious; a dance where all participants know the steps without thinking, and nothing else exists except the moment.