This is our truth, tell us yours
Content note; contains explicit references to sex and BDSM
The brilliant Stavvers did five minutes of delicious mockery of some fedora wearing fuckwit who, this week, published a guide to sex for real men that included an injunction to never go down on a woman. Never mind the reasoning, it provoked much well deserved mockery, and came to mind during some smile making yesterday with the divine Jem.
I am dom; Jem is, with me, submissive. That’s the relationship. The sex acts are not, in and of themselves dominant or submissive sex acts, but within the dynamics of the relationship they are congruent with our roles. Two moments yesterday proved the point.
One was profoundly shocking for Jem, and tested her desire to be submissive and accept my actions to its near limits. Do not blush dear reader, at what I am about to say, but I shoved my tongue up her bum. She was expecting my cock, so my tongue came as something of a surprise. When your relationship is built around the dynamics of my dominant and sadistic tendencies doing something that most people would assume is not something a ‘dom’ would do can be profoundly shocking, and disorienting. And that’s why I did it.
Later, in a less active period of making smiles, we discussed the concepts of foreplay and afterplay. I realised, as I often do when talking to Jem, who is a conversational ninja, that I don’t believe in either concept. I’ll go further. If you need sex divided up into stages, like a recipe that has to include the words ‘first wash your hands’ or ‘and now do the dishes’ you’re making some revealing statements about how you view sex, and the degree of instruction you need.
In the process we took a walk round another concept that I grow more and more uncomfortable with – the idea that there’s a time limit on the care you need to take with sexual partners. The D/S concept of aftercare is all based around a notion of needing to prepare a soft landing for the submissive after an encounter with their dom. I’ll say just this. If you need the concept of doing nothing that will have psychological consequences afterwards explaining to you, you may not be an ideal partner for anyone, in any kind of sex. I beat Jem with a belt yesterday, as part of our sex play. I believe, firmly, with Jem in mind, that more harm will have been done last night by some stupid, manipulative fedora wearing man saying ‘I love you’ to secure consent to sex than I did to Jem with that belt.
I know I look, to some women, like a stereotypical abusive male. I’ve even been called an abuser by Caroline Criado Perez, that well known secular saint. I think, no, I believe that I do less harm with whips and crops and chains than is done by cynical men (and women) who use words of love and romance to secure short term pleasure while causing long term harm.
Aftercare? All sexual relationships need risk management, and risk mitigation built in. Not saying I love you to get a shag is a really good start.