Sometimes, it's just a cigar

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I faced my fear

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain

I remember discussing swinging with a friend a while back and she said that if she stopped getting the pre meet nerves she would probably stop swinging.  I saw her point, excitement and nerves are an aphrodisiac, just ask anyone who has had risky sex in somewhere they could be discovered. One of the better bits of sex advice I ever read was that people in long term relationships might discover some of the intensity by having sex in the living room or bathroom, reminding them of those stolen moments when parents insisted on separate bedrooms and “not under my roof”.

Nerves can cripple though, recently I was meant to meet someone I had fancied for months at a club, that scary move from online flirting to real life hoped for intimacy, I almost turned and fled for home more times than I care to admit on the way to the club, That’s when nerves turn into fear, excitement into paralysis. Some people seem to believe all subs must be fear junkies, after that fight or flight adrenaline rush. Not me, I hate being scared, and Carter has teased me about the fact my idea of hell is a roller coaster (rumours I burst into tears the one and only time I have been on one are completely unfounded libel!)

The longer I continue to explore what submission means the less fear seems to have any relevance at all to what we do or how I feel. In submitting I am giving freely and totally, I have given myself. To fear what happens would to me be keeping something back, saying in some sense that you can do X but not Y. If I fear what might happen to me, then I do not trust, if I do not trust I have not given myself completely into his hands.

There will always be those nerves my swinging friend mentioned, what should I wear, what colours and shades, will I please him and not be a wimp,  my perpetual worry. Those nerves are part of the excitement, but as  far removed from fear as it is possible to be.

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14 comments on “I faced my fear

  1. cammiesonthefloor
    January 28, 2014

    I like the statement about swinging, makes perfect sense.
    Nerves are amazing, fear isn’t so much

    Like

    • jemima2013
      February 2, 2014

      exactly, it was musing on the difference that struck me when i saw the prompt for this week

      Like

  2. Mia
    January 28, 2014

    I love how you have separated the facets of fear and nervousness. Very well written!

    ~Mia~ xx

    Like

    • jemima2013
      February 2, 2014

      thank you so much 🙂

      Like

  3. SilverDom
    January 29, 2014

    That was an interesting read from a perspective I hadn’t experienced very often.

    Like

    • jemima2013
      February 2, 2014

      ohhh thank you, making others think is perhaps the best compilement 🙂

      Like

  4. Marie Rebelle
    January 29, 2014

    I am always nervous before a date, but I never fear what will happen, as I too have given myself completely into His hands and His care. This is very well written!

    Rebel xox

    Like

    • jemima2013
      February 2, 2014

      this is what i have come to understand, how safe i am because i am his

      Like

  5. Twisted Angel
    January 30, 2014

    While I have not submitted as such to another in that way, in swinging it is much the same. While I know I have their interest in the hunt and the frivolity of flirting, when the actual time came I feared I would not live up to their expectations. But it is a good fear.

    Like

    • jemima2013
      February 2, 2014

      oh for me thats a paralysing fear, its so interesting what some peoples limits are when it comes to fear. Not being good enough for me goes so deep it.

      Like

  6. cartertheblogger
    January 30, 2014

    I love nervousness and its near cousin, the careful reality check that says ‘Am I ready for the game?’ Self awareness demands that I do that.

    Like

    • jemima2013
      February 2, 2014

      You are always ready 🙂

      Like

  7. Molly
    January 31, 2014

    I agree nerves help us to focus but fear nearly always stops us doing things.

    Mollyxxx

    Like

    • jemima2013
      February 2, 2014

      exactly, you said in one line what it took me an entire post to say!

      Like

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This entry was posted on January 28, 2014 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , .

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