Sometimes, it's just a cigar

This is our truth, tell us yours

Am I qualified to be a dom?

I don’t know.

Honestly, I don’t.

I am, as Jemima sometimes points out, a dominant by my desires, and a dominant in reality. It’s not a one-off – people seem to identify me as a dom, even though I take care not to proclaim myself as a dom indiscriminately.

There is a view that there is a specific personality type that makes a dom; some readers equate being a dom with being an alpha male. There’s a huge problem with that straight away. Women make good dommes too. Is there such a thing as an alpha female?

Of course there’s a problem with that last statement. I don’t believe there’s such a thing as an alpha male. So suggesting that there’s a correlation between alpha males and dominants is, in my view, a nonsense.

In the first place, there is no one set way of being a dominant. As Jemima has often said, this blog is not very useful to anyone looking for BDSM101, because neither Jemima nor I recognise anything about our chosen roles in much of the public discourse on the topic. We don’t pretend we’re especially unique; we’re not prone to that especial error, just that we don’t fit the templates that commonly do the rounds.

The idea that there is something called an alpha male is, of course, attractive in some ways. If there were a personality type that could be identified and which could explain the success of particular individuals, then there would be an explanation for all of us who didn’t fit that type as to why we aren’t leaders of industry, or senior politicians.

Accepting that actually the reasons why some people are captains of industry are nothing more than chance or coincidence throws into question the logic of the market system, and yet it’s probably at the heart of how I am a dom. Not why, but how. If you’ve read Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers you’ll know that many of the reasons why people like Bill Gates are successes is nothing more than happy coincidence.

So I’m able to be a dom at the moment because of the latest in a series of happy coincidences, which is how lots of good things happen. As to how I behave as a dom, I know nothing more than how I try to be – and it is less about being an assertive master of the universe than it is about listening with a deliberate and careful passion to hear all the clues that can make it possible to bend someone to my will.

There may well be men who are doms who believe that the key to being a dom is to assert that they have the right to do whatever they wish, irrespective of the view of the sub. Equally, there are doms who talk at some length about negotiations, about contracts, about SSC and RACK before performing their role within the carefully delineated parameters they have mapped out. Neither one is my way of being a dom.

If I had to caricature my way of being a dom it would not be my resemblance to a master of the universe, or the size of my penis that would get emphasized, but the size of my ears. I can’t tell anyone else how to be a dom, because until I’ve listened to someone who might potentially be a submissive, I don’t know how to be a dom for that person, or if I want to.

No matter how hard I listen, I might not be the right dom for any given individual. I like that risk. It makes it worth the effort. Especially if it works out as well as it does at the moment.


2 comments on “Am I qualified to be a dom?

  1. jemima2013
    June 7, 2014

    smiling so much after reading this, we may not do a how to guide, but anyone thinking about exploring BDSM could do a lot worse than starting here.


  2. Pingback: The Sunday Sermon; Windmills of the Mind | Sometimes, it's just a cigar

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This entry was posted on June 7, 2014 by in Uncategorized.

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