This is our truth, tell us yours
Be aware this post contains sexual content
There has been a lot of discussion here recently about how abuse,and sex are both based in the mind, are products of the state of mind of the participants in any act. Earlier today Carter wrote with his usual perceptive wisdom of how he views being a Dom, of course that view is reliant on finding a sub who wishes to participate, who shares his view on what Dominance and submission involve. They are both roles which are meaningless without the participation of another.
Despite this pretty fundamental need for another to make your identity as a Dom or sub anything more than a label to put on a collar me bio people tend to assume that one party is passive, and only responds, the other active and always taking the lead, A recent example may help readers understand exactly why for us this isnt the case, and why the view of the Dominant as alpha and sub as passive recipient may work in 50 shades of shite, but not for us.
Storytelling has always been a part of our relationship, creating fantasises, sharing them, exploring ideas and desires in the unfettered world of the imagination. So it was not unusual for me to be naked, orgasmic and slowly picking my way through a story which was being created as I spoke. Sometimes the stories come from me, sometimes from Him. What was usual was the dark path the tale took, into humiliation and degradation, using abusive words and ideas drawn from my most hidden body image issues. As I came, and cried, and whispered, who was taking the lead, who was passive? Its the problem of the voyeur at the window again, all they would see would be a woman astride a man, him silent for the most, and unmoving. They would not see the safe space He created which allowed the story to emerge. Nor would they see how I was held afterwards as gentle words chased away the demons.
Unusually graphic for the Sunday Sermon you might think but this determination of so many to determine who is the passive actor in a situation, who is having things done to them, and who is exercising agency is far too common. An another example is white feminists who want to rescue Muslim women who wear the hajib, insisiting they must be passive recipients of male oppression, and refusing to listen to the women involved, turning them into mere objects in the gender wars.
Deciding that another is a victim, a passive object who needs external rescue may actually be the act that disempowers someone, that reduces them to the status we believe we have identified. Its back to that vital issue of states of mind again, When we ignore the mind of another, how they feel about a situation we move into the position occupied by an abuser, and all the good intentions in the world cannot change that.