This is our truth, tell us yours
Usual disclaimer, this is about how I view BDSM, not a how to guide.
Regular readers will know I keep a journal, and occasionally repost entries here. Since communication is at the heart of BDSM, at least how Carter and I do it, writing my perceptions of an experience is a method of ensuring those lines are kept open. It may seem slightly mannered, but both Carter and I are aware of the perils of unreliable narrators. If I write purely how I feel about an event, my interpretation may be unreliable, but it is honest. what he does with that is then up to him.
So it was that I posted musing about shaming and humiliation. It is an aspect of BDSM we do not usually explore, true some of the things I like might be considered by some humiliating, but they are not to me. This is think is the core of any discussion of what might be termed the mental side of BDSM, and why it needs to be approached with such care. When Carter pisses on me I see it as a reward or treat, a gift from him. When in the past I have been exhibited online it made me proud, and did wonders for my self image. Its that observer looking in problem again, you need to know the minds of the participants to be able to understand the acts.
If this is the case for an onlooker, how much more important is it for the participants? When I posted about being humiliated, it was not acts I was thinking of, but words, would I be able to take them, in the way I bend with willing joy for the cane or crop. Now, I don’t know if Carter read the post, but I suspect he did, as recently he mocked my failure to do something. This is where reality and fantasy meet, and the need for a Dominant to be always aware, especially of the damage they can do, is so important.
For, dear reader, I did not think; “Ohhh he is humilating me” I thought, I have failed, I am not able to please him as I wish. It was not a good moment, although like other methods of inflicting pain it got me to the place he intended. In my experience too many dominants take a subs “I wonder what this would be like?” to be an absolution, permission to behave without consideration of the consequences. They pretend they did no harm because it was what the sub wanted.
BDSM demands communication, but it must be a feedback loop, not a question and answer session. The Dominant must be willing, in my opinion, to reasses constantly what they are doing and the effect it is having. Carter;s words broke me, but that was the intention. I am supremely lucky that he knew where he wanted to go, and when we got there he takes as much pleasure in putting me back together, whole and happy.