Sometimes, it's just a cigar

This is our truth, tell us yours

A crying shame

Usual disclaimer, this is about how I view BDSM, not a how to guide.


Regular readers will know I keep a journal, and occasionally repost entries here. Since communication is at the heart of BDSM, at least how Carter and I do it, writing my perceptions of an experience is a method of ensuring those lines are kept open. It may seem slightly mannered, but both Carter and I are aware of the perils of unreliable narrators. If I write purely how I feel about an event, my interpretation may be unreliable, but it is honest. what he does with that is then up to him.

So it was that I posted musing about shaming and humiliation. It is an aspect of BDSM we do not usually explore, true some of the things I like might be considered by some humiliating, but they are not to me. This is think is the core of any discussion of what might be termed the mental side of BDSM, and why it needs to be approached with such care. When Carter pisses on me I see it as a reward or treat, a gift from him. When in the past I have been exhibited online it made me proud, and did wonders for my self image. Its that observer looking in problem again, you need to know the minds of the participants to be able to understand the acts.

If this is the case for an onlooker, how much more important is it for the participants? When I posted about being humiliated, it was not acts I was thinking of, but words, would I be able to take them, in the way I bend with willing joy for the cane or crop. Now, I don’t know if Carter read the post, but I suspect he did, as recently he mocked  my failure to do something. This is where reality and fantasy meet, and the need for a Dominant to be always aware, especially of the damage they can do, is so important.

For, dear reader, I did not think; “Ohhh he is humilating me” I thought, I have failed, I am not able to please him as I wish. It was not a good moment, although like other methods of inflicting pain it got me to the place he intended.  In my experience too many dominants take a subs “I wonder what this would be like?” to be an absolution, permission to behave without consideration of the consequences. They pretend they did no harm because it was what the sub wanted.

BDSM demands communication, but it must be a feedback loop, not a question and answer session. The Dominant must be willing, in my opinion, to reasses constantly what they are doing and the effect it is having. Carter;s words broke me, but that was the intention. I am supremely lucky that he knew where he wanted to go, and when we got there he takes as much pleasure in putting me back together, whole and happy.


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10 comments on “A crying shame

  1. cartertheblogger
    July 2, 2014

    The joy of prizing feedback, in the way we do, is that it gives me that thrill of being aware of the tightrope we walk each time we practice making smiles.
    I know we’re all agreed that Fifty Shades is shite, a Helmut Newton video with a soundtrack by Robin Thicke,but what’s key to its inauthenticity is precisely that unawareness on the part of the male protagonist of the risks and rewards inherent in consensual BDSM.


    • jemima2013
      July 2, 2014

      the rewards are quite good from my perspective 🙂


    • Molly
      July 2, 2014

      Ahh you are so very right about 50 Shades there. I couldn’t agree more



  2. Aelfsige (@_aelfsige)
    July 2, 2014

    Oh, humiliation, a wonderful topic!

    First of all, I completely agree that communication is maybe the most important topic in BDSM, and I will write down my thoughts for my Dominant as well. As much as we communicate in play, it still helps her to understand how I tick, better. This may be especially valuable, as we have left „Safe and Sane“ a long time ago, because these terms are just too vague. We prefer the old term, Committed Compassionate Consensual.

    But I digress! Shame and Humiliation, a great topic. I like to categorize humiliation into „The good, the bad and the ugly“.
    „The Good“ is what you have described. For me, like for you, being pissed on falls into that class. It is an absolute gift for me, and there is no conscious feeling of humiliation or shame involved. To understand the entire dynamic I believe it is important to remember that, very objectively, this is humiliating. Urinating on beaten opponents is not an invention of BDSM, but was done centuries ago. So even if not conscious, there are power dynamics involved, and the willful acceptance of this kind of humiliation makes it such an enjoyable experience.

    Then, there is „The Bad“. My Dominant will make me do things, or do things for me, that cause a feeling of humiliation. Making me eat dog food might be the most harmless example. In those moments, I feel humiliated, hopeless, destroyed, broken. And then my Dominant will lift me up again, heal me, put me back together. And as odd as it seems, after a while, I take tremendous joy from this. Here, the Dominant is actually forcing her will on me. I have no interest in doing these things — of course, other than to please and obey my Dominant.
    But I would not miss these adventures. I should add that I feel what we do is certainly edge play, and demands an enormous amount of trust and compassion.

    Lastly, there is „The Ugly“. Personally, I don’t take verbal humiliation well. Even something like „Take off that hideous shirt!“ will hurt, shame and humiliate me. I will have to communicate with the Dominant immediately. If she actually means it, I would rip the shirt to shreds, but if she does not, then I don’t like her to say so.
    Verbal humiliation of this kind goes straight to my core, and it is not possible for me to enjoy this as „play“.


    • jemima2013
      July 2, 2014

      Thank you so much for your comment. It was this kind of verbal humiliation that i had journalled about. I suppose I know and trust Carter so well I know he would not touch on certain things, my weight for example. Even so i was caught out by the strength of my reaction. My desire to please him is so strong that feeling i have not, well its not a good feeling.
      We were talking about this today and he pointed out my weakness in wanting to be the perfect sub, Perhaps this is what motivated my musings in the first place- if Carter had the desire to explore such things would i be strong enough?
      As he said i have to accept no one is perfect, and he isnt expecting perfection.

      I really like the division of the good, the bad and the ugly, really makes sense to me


      • Aelfsige (@_aelfsige)
        July 8, 2014

        I am glad you liked my post!

        Interestingly, just a few weeks ago, I hit my wall: Something I would not be willing to do for my Dominant. And it was not even something crazy, and she did not even know about it. Just the thought of it scared the living daylights out of me.

        It confused me, it made me question my willingness to submit. Of course, I talked about it with my Dominant, and she had the best answer for me: If there is no “No!”, there is no “Yes!”

        But only after I wrote down my thoughts I came to the realization that submission is no less genuine, even if limits appear to be arbitrary. I am trying to submit as far as I possibly can, and there is no disgrace to say: “No further”

        Oh, and I don’t think it is a weakness trying to be the perfect sub 😉


  3. Marie Rebelle
    July 2, 2014

    A feedback loop in any relationship is important, but even more so in BDSM!
    I love the last paragraph – he broke you, but put you together again!

    Rebel xox


  4. Mia Sinclair
    July 3, 2014

    What a great explanation of communication and feedback! Brilliantly written!

    ~Mia~ xx


    • jemima2013
      July 4, 2014

      🙂 thank you


  5. sexblogofsorts
    July 5, 2014

    ‘If I write purely how I feel about an event, my interpretation may be unreliable, but it is honest. What he does with that is then up to him.’

    I think you hit on an important point there…


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