This is our truth, tell us yours
As we are fond of saying her at cigar, we dont write a how to guide on anything, much less BDSM, this is what works for us, that’s all. CN sexual content/sadomasochism
We don’t have many party lines but one of them is that sex, at least the way we do it, is for grown ups. That’s nothing to do with the age of consent, lots of people can be well over it and still not a grown up, its about rights and responsibilities. It is always difficult when you want to discuss situations where one person has power over another to avoid things like victim blaming. However in a BDSM relationship it has to be accepted both parties have responsibilities, and chose to to be there.
A recent example may help explain how that choice can be expressed, and how responsibility falls on both parties. I was bent over in a classic position, there had been spankings, caning, and orgasms that shook my whole body to the core, (there may have even been sex, but dont tell the twue subs). Some will say warm up is a vital part of being a grown up, they will also insist on safe words and a number of other things that make them feel safe. Having experienced the exhilaration of a caning without warm up, I can only say whatever works for you, but dont impose your preferences on me. However this time it can be said that my bottom was as warm and rosy as a fireside on a Christmas card. Then a stroke from the cane that broke through every ounce of control, one moment I was the perfect sub, holding myself to receive, the next I was a heap on the floor, the pain sending me, instinctively, to move, to protect myself. I have often thought that at heart being a masochist is a battle between instinct and desire, and this time instinct won.
So, there I was, naked, breath coming in gasps, a quivering heap at my Dominants feet. Here is where responsibility, being grown up comes into play. He knows me better than I know myself. Warm blankets and bottled water are not what I need in those situations. To that imaginary outside observer, who is a massive perve given how often they seem to peep in on us, he may have seemed heartless, the archetypal Christian Gray. But being a grown up is also about allowing others to be grown ups, to make choices. As I stood, and made my choice, to return to position, ready for the next stroke of the cane, he didn’t need to ask me what I wanted, or how I was, my action and his knowledge of me showed him.
At heart this is a conversation about agency, one of the reasons many radfems oppose BDSM is they dont like that word. Rather like the MRAs they so resemble they believe they have taken the red pill that allows then to see things clearly but all other women are deluded children. When I returned to the position, I was exercising my agency, my choice, I was saying without words I am here because I want to be. Carter was only able to continue because he respected that choice, saw me as an individual who chose to be there as much as he did.
Every year if you live in the UK you will hear of people having to be rescued by Mountain Rescue because they decided to go hill walking or mountain climbing with totally inappropriate clothing or preperation. Apparently grown ups, but unwilling to accept that their actions have consequences. Others then have to put themselves at risk to rescue you from your own bad choices. When it comes to BDSM the clothes might be different, even I have never come across a flip flop fetish, but the underlying principle is the same. If you chose to engage in activities that may cause harm, its your responsibility to ensure you are not about to attempt to climb Snowden in flip flops, and that responsibility rests on all involved