This is our truth, tell us yours
Long term readers will be aware that photography plays its own, very special place in this thing that we do. Carter received my very first nervously taken selfie. He taught me to hold poses, whatever the position, and once upon a time it was a rule that all pictures he posted of me online had to be commented upon. It was a wonderful way of addressing my various issues about how I look. Very little does as much for your self esteem than strangers who know they will never meet you, who have no vested interest, telling you how sexy or beautiful you look.
This is BDSM not therapy, although as I wrote here a selfie can be a message of self love sent out to the world. Photographs can be wonderful way of saying you belong to me, and have been used to delight, humilitate, encourage, teach, and of course arouse. There would be very little point to posting pictures of me sucking cock or bending with thighs and buttocks covered in cane marks if arousal was not taking place. These pictures may approach art, and to me are beautiful but they are not the airbrished erotica of “Athena” porn. Instead, like the pictures I most enjoy of others they are real, raw, showing the blood sweat and tears that is BDSM at its best.
When Carter posts pictures of me they cannot help but sexually excite me, even more so if he is also on them. Mostly he is behind the lens, and they are solo shots, although his skill at taking photos of me being facefucked is one which deserves higher recognition. The majority of pictures show me, in various poses, and no one else. Which is why when I heard the term autogynephilia I was confused, well after I googled it. The idea of being aroused by the thought or image of oneself as a woman seems to be at the heart of why so many women share pictures, or have them shared on the web. I have to confess that I have masturbated to pictures of myself, and I do not think I am alone here. It isn’t just at the memory of shared times or reaching the heights of sexual excitement, the pictures themselves are arousing. Does this make me an autogynephiliac? It seems not, since it is a term that can only be applied to trans women, and the doctor who invented it seemed to be more interested in finding a reason to deny the lived experience of a group who already face constant erasure.
I am not a doctor, or an expert in trans issues, one thing I do know about is being told that my sexuality and how I want to express it does not exist. Female submissives are mocked, or called deluded victims of domestic abuse. Sex workers cannot possibly be in control and making choices, men must be controlling them, and cis women dont get turned on by looking at pictures of their own cunt, glistening, pink and open. Perhaps if people spent less time inventing paraphillias and diagnoses and more time listening to the people outside their academic ivory towers then we would take a step towards a world where gender and sexuality were not policed, where people could be who they are without fear of censure and abuse.