Sometimes, it's just a cigar

This is our truth, tell us yours

Domestic Bliss

I recently joked with Carter that he had imagined the picture that summed up our relationship, him ironing while naked, collared and leashed I gave him a blow job. Despite searching ironong blow jobs does not seem to be a fetish, or even a sub group of pictures on flikr. This is probably because for so many people Dominance is intrinsically tied up to their ideas about masculinity and male assertiveness, some 1950s idea of the man putting the woman in her place, and by doing so bolstering his own position and authority.

I dont think it needs to be said that anyone who needs to put someone in a position of inferiority in order to feel superior should be kept well away from the toy box. If our sense of self is so insecure we need others to validate it, by praise or punishing them, we should not be choosing to inflict harm on others. People are I think confused by the idea of a domestic Dominant because of an idea that dominance within BDSM is somehow about reinforcing gender roles, and particularly a form of masculinity that has at its heart power over women.

BDSM is of course about power and control, but the power is a dynamic one, an interplay between Dom and sub, a relationship of equals where each has different needs that are met. A dominant who sees BDSM as a way to reinforce his masculinity is probably one of the most dangerous people to meet. For it will always be impossible within a BDSM relationship to externally validate something which is internally lacking, particularly if the view of masculinity is one based around control over a woman. This historically has been an excuse to abuse, with nothing to do with BDSM, instead men have blamed women for their failure to live up to a non existent ideal. Be it failure to bear children, erectile dysfunction, or simply not bolstering the male ego women have been on the receiving end of male violence.

I have written before of how Carter has used his mouth to push me in a way that floggers and canes rarely can, foring the no word from me unbidden, and he seems to  delight in challenging my preconceptions of what is or not a Dominant act. This is only possible becasue he is always aware of the ways men have used force and violence, of the choices he has had, and still has. Recently when he was angry with a sitution I half jokingly suggested that he take it out on me. He knew I was joking, but even so repeated his belief that if he ever raised a Dominant hand in anger he would have failed.

This self awareness is vital if you are to explore kink beyond the fluffy handcuffs and ann summers blindfold. Without it you can all too easily fall into abuse, with it BDSM can indeed be domestic bliss



3 comments on “Domestic Bliss

  1. Pingback: Form, function and BDSM culture | Sometimes, it's just a cigar

  2. Pingback: On valuing the domestic | Valery North - Writer

  3. Pingback: A whole heap of Shade | Sometimes, it's just a cigar

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This entry was posted on October 8, 2014 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , .

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