Sometimes, it's just a cigar

This is our truth, tell us yours

Why I will never make love, not porn.

Recently carter and I went for a drive, we talked about his work issues and I hope I helped him with insights about where he wanted to be. Combined with a conversation about what to buy a child who is now a grown up for Christmas it could not, outwardly, been more coupley if we had had an argument about something he said to my sister in 1993. Does this picture fit with another, of me choking, gasping, eyes watering, as he fucked my face? Or bending as the belt strap he had prepared landed on my naked buttocks?

I ask because it goes the the heart of my issues about the porn site, Make Love not Porn. Its owner, Cindy Gallop has taken the readers wives business model to its logical conclusion. We know there are hundreds of sites where people share pictures, films, of themselves having sex. When I used to hang out in chatrooms I have watched a lot of my friends fuck. I have been fucked, buggered, face fucked and beaten on cam myself, and I wouldnt like to think about how many naked pictures of me there are on the net. Or rather if i do think, I do so with a smile. For I understand the attraction, the turn on, of being watched, of knowing others are getting off on you getting off. As a business model and as a form of sexual exploration I have no issue with what Cindy Gallop is doing. Where I object hugely is in the attitude, and the attitude is summed up in the name.

On her website it says

MakeLoveNotPorn.tv is of the people, by the people, and for the people who believe that the sex we have in our everyday life is the hottest sex there is.

We are not porn – porn is performance (often an exceedingly delicious performance, but a performance nonetheless).

We are not ‘amateur’ – a label that implies that the only people doing it right are the professionals and the rest of us are bumbling idiots. (Honey, please.)

We are #realworldpeople, #realworldsex, #realworldfeelings, #realworldrelationships, #realworldbodies, #realworldhotness, #realworldeverything.

I dont know what dictionary Gallop uses but unless she pays her performers, they are amateur, thats what the word means. As I have already said, nothing wrong in that. My first exposure to porn was via the readers wives pages of magazines like Razzle or mayfair, and in some of my favourite ever pics of me Carter has captured that tone, that mood of naughtiness snatched out of the mundanity of the everyday.Once you produce sexual content for others to view, it is a performance, if you even fantasize about others watching, it becomes a performance.  As we , along with Valery North, discussed previously, when you enter the realm of BDSM performance is an intrinsic part of what we do, even if no one else will ever see you. One could argue, although that would take another blog, that it is the awareness of performance that informs consent, separating BDSM from abuse.

So, make love not porn markets itself as different in some way, some ineffable way, from other amateur porn sites. It will probably appeal to those who would never dream of camming on a working class site like fabswingers, and no one ever went bankrupt from reinventing the wheel. However the appeal to respectability politics is even louder in the first half of the name. The idea of making love, rather than having sex, or fucking, is patriarchal, whorephobic and has been used historically to slut shame women. Swerfs commonly claim that sex work is not sex, that it cannot be consensual since we do not have an emotional bond with clients. There is a book being touted around at the moment where the author claims sex workers are in some mysterious way damaged by having sex without emotional intimacy, by not “making love”. I assume they believe this of people who attend queer orgies, swingers, poly people. gay men on grinder and anyone who has a casual hook up on a friday night.

This is what happens when you suggest there is good, biblically approved sex called making love, that there is some form of sex that “real couples” do. It excludes the rest of us, the queers, the sex workers, the ones who dont want to conform to a world that has told us over and over again that the way we have sex is not good enough, not acceptable. Those whose relationships are not real enough for people who think there is some greater value in sex when is is associated with a four letter word.

Advertisements

11 comments on “Why I will never make love, not porn.

  1. ValeryNorth
    November 20, 2014

    So much agreement here. Particularly on the false dichotomy between porn as “performance” versus “viewers’ videos” as “something else”.

    My feeling has always been that “make love” is fine if that’s your kink, because YKIOKIJNMK. But any time anyone tries to portray their way of doing it as “better” (by contrasting it with something not to do, i.e. “porn”) it becomes sex negative and a huge problem.

    I wrote back in March that there is no distinction between erotica and porn, using a very similar argument: “The purpose of having two different words is so that a person can turn around and say to another person, ‘Your means of getting turned on is wrong.’ Or icky, or suspect, or in some way deficient.” And the idea shown in the “Make Love, Not Porn” blurb is the same type of thinking, as you so deftly illustrate.

    Like

  2. jemima2013
    November 21, 2014

    Just read your piece and it sums up pretty much why i stopped following almost every sex blogger on twitter, the trigger was someone who had known me since i joined twitter writing the most offensive, whorephobic post and then asking what she had done wong. People, in my opinion, dont accept why they blog about sex, or cam, or post photos and want to make it somehow more worthy, just like MLNP.
    When i used to cam there were so many ” real couples” who were a million times more self aware than anyone i have read online, they didn’t make love tho, they got single men around to fuck the woman cos they were cuck, or spent all night teasing the room, or if u were me told jokes and let your boobs slip out until everyone was watching then got filthy as fuck.I knew, as did the others i liked, that the reason to perform was the reaction, we were not changing the world, we were getting off.

    Like

  3. Wickedjulia
    November 21, 2014

    The idea that a lack of emotional intimacy with one’s sexual partner of the moments is somehow indicative of emotional damage is laughable. Some of the best sex I’ve had has been with partners I felt no emotional attachment to and for a very good reason. NO BAGGAGE. That is why some people choose to hire sex workers. Others prefer other methods of hooking up for casual sex. The only difference between the to is whether or not money changes hand. I know money is the root of all evil but, that’s pushing it.

    Like

    • jemima2013
      November 21, 2014

      completley agree, emotional attachment can often make sex worse not better

      Like

  4. Minxy Lydia (@Minxy_Lydia)
    November 21, 2014

    The thing is, having any sort of sex with someone you love (in whatever context) is sort of making love even if it doesn’t look like lovely dovey, man on top of woman surrounded by candles and rose petals sex. Being tied down and fucked by a group of men and seeing your lover look into your eyes as your 3 holes are filled and he’s wanking his cock can be just as meaningful as a more ‘traditional’ set up. Just because other people think this kind of sex is shocking or inappropriate within a relationship it doesn’t mean there is no love there.

    As the above poster said, amazing sex can be had with someone you know nothing about, let alone care about. It can also be amazing because of the amount of money you make doing it!

    Likewise, this notion sex should only be about monogamy and love is getting really tiring and terribly boring.

    Like

    • jemima2013
      November 21, 2014

      you always talk so much sense 🙂

      Like

    • ValeryNorth
      November 22, 2014

      Absolutely. IIRC Clarisse Thorn wrote about that false dichotomy of SM/love and how it made no sense at all to her not to see the love in hard BDSM play, too

      Like

      • jemima2013
        November 23, 2014

        but it is not a vital component, i am uncomfortable with the idea that sex i have with mr Jem is somehow more worthy than sex i have with Carter because of hetronormitive ideas that love gives sex value

        Like

  5. Pingback: Help me doctor, I can’t make love | Sometimes, it's just a cigar

  6. Reticent Mental Property
    November 21, 2014

    Reblogged this on Reticent Mental Property and commented:
    Think.about.this.

    Like

    • jemima2013
      November 23, 2014

      thank you 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on November 20, 2014 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , .

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

%d bloggers like this: