This is our truth, tell us yours
Reading this by stavvers I was struck by how for me also the year has been oddly balanced between personal good and so many struggles for others. Those closest to me have had to face things that made me wish more than once for that magic wand that would simply make everything better. Grown ups don’t get a magic wand though, it’s perhaps the hardest part of being a grown up, that moment when we realise others are in pain, and try as we might we cannot take that pain away.
Understanding that others may see me the same way is perhaps one of the learning points of 2014. Recently I was in tears after my fellow traveller here told me that he had worried some form of medical intervention might have been needed in previous Christmases. When you think the mask has worked, but in fact it has been seen through to the pain and the struggle, but the person respects your humanity enough to allow you to feel the pain, that’s a grown up moment too.
The thing we do here is above all grown up sex. Part of being a grown up who has sex with other grown ups is you have to be willing to accept they are individuals, they are separate from you and whilst the coming together is wonderful, and carries responsibilities, it gives you no rights. Earlier today I spoke on twitter about how as a parent the biggest duty is to understand that children are not possessions, you birth them and at that moment they become an individual. There is no magic wand that turns them into a mini me or clone and the moment we wish there was we take the first steps on the road called abuse.
It’s the same for every type of relationship we have as humans however, once we see others as merely adjuncts of ourselves, or existing to fulfill our needs and desires we deny their humanity. Intent does not matter here, we can be intending to help, to “make them better” to wave that magic wand, but that removes something vital from the relationship, be they partner, child or Dominant.
If 2014 hs taught me anything, it is this, that we cannot remove the pain of others, nor should we seek to do so.What we can do is be there when the darkness draws in. I have also learnt that I need not be afraid if others see my own darkness, since the people who matter do not expect the world to be a fairy tale, and do not carry magic wands to avoid having to see the pain of others.