This is our truth, tell us yours
Part of the radical feminist objection to BDSM is it reinforces the gender norms of woman as submissive, man as Dominant, the me Tarzan, you Jane expression of gender beloved by patriarchy. It ignores, as most radfem theory does, the fact that other modes of being exist, that the brady bunch was fiction, not fact.
However there is an issue with how many present BDSM, especially in mainstream media and the witterings of those who claim to be D types when they are in fact abusive twunts. (Thats a technical term). This rather unpleasant specimen of misogyny could be straight out of the pages of We hunted the Mammoth.(CN for Vaw) Indeed I am sure he can be found on various red pill reddits when he is not fapping on collar me and “turning good girls bad”. He is not Grey of course, although his sexual exploits are most likely as fictional. However the idea of women as innocent, as needing a man to give them permission to be sexual is not just confined to man children on the pages of Huff Po. Part of the reason for the popularity of 50 shades is how conventional it is, Barbara Cartland would have approved of the chaste virgin who needs to be chased and captured before she has anything as degrading as sexual intercourse.
This is how patriarchy likes its women, asexual, not in the sense of it being someones sexuality, but without sexual urges or impulses until a man gives them permission to be sexual. Then their sexuality must be within the boundaries set by the man they belong too. The contract of FSOG no different to the marriage contract, and as frequently broken by abusive men who think love, honour and cherish are mere words to be thrown away with the wedding confetti.
This idea of women as vessels for the sexual desires of men is also reinforced by those like HuffPO dom who use BDSM as a cloak for abuse. It seeps out into the wider perception of BDSM. The idea seems to be that submissives sit like Rapunzel in their tower, without of course internet access, and somehow, magically one day a Dom comes along who gets them to “let down their hair.” I dont want to upset anyone, but spoiler, subs go online looking for Doms who will do the necessary to get them off. Yup, we use them, then cast them aside like a used condom, sad, lonely and no use to anyone.
Not all subs should be said here, and not all the time. After all I met my fellow traveller online, and it has led to a world so wonderful I could never have imagined. A world in which he has pushed me into areas I never expected, a world without safe words, a world where when the cane is used on the soles of my feet I orgasm, without ever reaching for the notarized agreement which says where he can hit and how hard. However the very fact we met in a chat room where I was looking to see how many people I could get to watch me on cam, where I was basically objectifying a bunch of men who existed purely to satisfy my exhibitionist tendencies, says the Rapunzel image is a lie.
You see it is not the simple binary of submissive woman waiting for her Dominant handsome prince to release her inner kink goddess. It never is a simple binary, no matter what the subject. Today on twitter I mentioned fooling around online planning a rape and kidnap fantasy with someone. It made me hot, it made me wet, hearing about what he would do to me caused me to have more than one orgasm. However he existed purely to satisfy my fantasy, as I existed to satisfy his. We were no more real to each other than any fantasy, and indeed he had no proof I was who I said I was, and for all I know he was a 24-year-old with a bad beard and worst dress sense.
People occasionally trot out the idea that in BDSM it is the sub who has the “real” power, because they can say no. There is a good discussion of the problems with this idea here. Its one of those false binaries again, as if power is in limited supply, and can only be held by one person ever. Let me make it clear I am not talking about switching here. I know I am not a switch, whilst intellectually seeing how far I can push a man interests me (To beg to lick my arse clean of other mens spunk if I remember rightly) It does not sexually stimulate me. The concept of switching is one that I think simply plays into the false binary of power being all or nothing. If I am online looking for a Dom to play with I am exercising power, I am in control of my needs, my wants, and my sexuality. That in the moment of playing he has a role where he controls the play no more means I am powerless than when I get on a bus. I may not be the driver, but the driver is taking me where I want to go.
However the situation with the artist formerly known as the Domly one is very different. Perhaps, to push a metaphor to its very limit, then we are on a magical mystery tour. I may have signed up for the ride, but I have no knowledge of the destination, or the route we will take to get there. However notice the we in that sentence. There is a difference between a mystery tour and simply being lost. There is also a difference between an empty bus and one with a passenger who wants to see where the journey will take them. The passenger may not be in control, but they are not powerless.
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