This is our truth, tell us yours
I am not sure you ever need an excuse to quote a great song, or link to Smokie, but there is a reason other than my slightly strange music tastes. Recently we did a series of posts on safe words, Carter wrote beautifully here of how needing a safe word would challenge fundamentally who he was, and I considered why people might want a special word to define how they have sex.
Recently something happened though that reminded me why I feel so strongly that communication is the key to safe, grown up, BDSM. I was tied, tightly, always a glorious experience. The ropes wound from my arms, pinned behind my back, and around my breasts. One of the things about breast bondage is that it makes everything so sensitive. A caress sends a cascade of sensations racing, a slap becomes magnified. All wonderful to a masochist sub like me. There was pleasure, there was pain, there were a number of orgasms. Then there was a realisation of a tingling, and not a pleasant I am about to squirt in your face tingling.
I realised I had pins and needles in my left arm, that it was getting quite strong, that rubbery whose hand is this feeling that apparently teenage boys do to introduce novelty to wanking. I assume this is exactly the sort of situation safe words were invented for, except I didn’t want Carter to stop the other things he was doing, I didn’t particularly want him to untie me.Pride also played a part, my desire to be the perfect sub. I am simply well-trained, and well aware that pins and needles are the kind of thing he wants to know about. This part is important, because he has communicated what matters to him as a Dom, I am able to speak without feeling I am being weak or unsubmissive. A safe word would not have told him what the problem was, and would have still carried the idea within it I wanted him to stop. Three little words “pins and needles” were instead of the nature of information.
I wrote here that consent is a conversation, not a yes/no binary. I want to extend that, relationships, or all sorts should be a conversation. Not one about what colour a dress is, not even always one with words. A conversation none the less where both partners feel heard, and able to express. Without my insistence I did not want a twue Dom would Carter have ever written so openly about his idea of Dominance? Without listening, and understanding why it matters to him I speak, I express, I communicate, would I be able to do so without a sense of faiure? Alternative histories are possibly the biggest waste of time on the internet, so speculation is perhaps pointless. However I was reminded earlier in the week that in terms of online relationships (or people who met online looking for D/s) we should be getting a telegram from the Queen very soon. The lifetime of a D/s relationship is somewhere between that of a mayfly and Buzzfeed listicle for most. I cannot say exactly why we are outliers, and I am sure Carter will disagree if I lay it all at his feet, but I am sure the fact communication lies at the heart of all we do is a significant factor.
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