This is our truth, tell us yours
Carter writes about sex with a rare honesty missing from so many male sex bloggers, and an awful lot of female. His recent post on behaviours in clubs and sauna’s may have been talking largely about his experiences in spaces where men have sex with men, but it was a world I instantly recognised.
Earlier this week I wrote about authenticity, about perhaps the only way to be a sex worker concerned with authenticity was by exhibiting what I called meta authenticity, knowledge of when something is performative. However,how performative sex is does not just depend on one of the people involved .
For example I have been in those SOEs Carter wrote of, swinging parties and house parties where I revelled in being the center of attraction. A little secret for you, in those environments I want pandas. I have been known to refer to my playmates in such environments as human dildos. The point for me is to be surrounded by men*, men with hard cocks who want to fuck me and if I am very lucky come over me.** I don’t wish to know their names, nor do I want to have their phone numbers. I want to play with my paraphilias around exhibitionism, objectification and performative slutishness. (I say performative since being sluttish is a social construct and of course varies hugely. For one person wearing a short skirt gives them a thrill, for another having sex with 10 random men in one night).
On more than one occasion someone has assumed that because I have had sex with them I have wanted to know them as a person. Whilst they wanted to be part of something that transgressed the norms of patriarchy by allowing a woman to be sexual and autonomous deep down they seem to believe I can’t really not want to be that transgressive. Social norms tell them I must want to swap numbers, exchange meaningless chit chat “have a connection”, When I decline the phone number, or even to tell them my name I can sense the confusion. Often these are the men who have tried to organise the others, imbued with notions of what good girls want even whilst a distinctly ungood girl lies before them with her legs spread.
This is why I like pandas, and they exist in sex work too. Whilst I am aware as a sex worker I sell a fantasy it is a fantasy within which one is able to congruent. For an hour or so I shall be the woman who desires them, who enjoys sex, who wants to have sex with them. What fascinates me is those clients for whom that is not enough, who want to “spice things up” usually with unspicy and distinctly vanilla role play. I have never understood why, but now I think I may. They too are unwilling to fully engage in the experience they are having, and instead fear something better may be out there.
This unwillingness to engage leads so many of us to believe the better fuck, or relationship may be just around the corner. The problem is it stops us from enjoying the opportunity which may be right in front of us. Carpe Diem may not be a new philosophy but it is one it seems many struggle with.
* I have never been swinging with non cis people, the swinging scene is incredibly hetro and cis normative so whilst I could of course have this experience with people with cocks who are not men, its not something that has ever happened. I can only write what I know.
** There may be something else at play here too, around the idea that performance must be prolonged to be praise worthy. Often clients will apologise for how soon they come, even when it is clear that I have orgasmed. I think this comes from a failure to understand porn is performative, that what they see has been edited, and that lasting for hours is not actually hugely in demand. It is even odder in sex clubs where there will always be another stiff cock along if thats what you want.