This is our truth, tell us yours
CN this post discusses consensual sex acts with brief mention of BDSM activities.
Carter wrote with his usual wit and wisdom about the behaviour of some men in clubs and cottages here. I agreed that in certain contexts what you need is a panda, someone who eats, shoots and leaves. We both explored the idea that enjoying the sex you have is predicated on not being distracted by the sex you might possibly have.
I have had a lot of sex, some might see that as a boast, or a confession, it is neither, it is a fact. A lot of that sex has been paid for. When someone is paying for your emotional and physical sexual labour, and you wish to be good at your job, then the meta awareness I mentioned earlier is vital. Even while I am a rampant, orgasmic, sexually wild person of the clients dreams and desires I have to remain, in some small part of my awareness, apart from the experience. I need to watch the clock, even while appearing not too. This is not, as some might believe because I want him out the door. Clients have lives too, within the hour they have booked I want their to be time to orgasm, relax for a short time, shower, and leave, without feeling rushed or hurried. There is a little worse than a client getting more and more frantic to come as the clock ticks down to a deadline, then having to rush out as if his life depended on it.
Even in those sex acts ostensibly designed for my pleasure, such as oral, I need to be aware. For one thing a client might claim “they only want to make me come” but I am sure they would be pretty disappointed if I paid no attention to them. I have to notice how close, or far away they are from climaxing, and which sensitive points move them closer. On top of all this are of course the safety concerns, the checking without seeming you are checking a condom has not been removed*, hands are not in places you don’t want them, positions do not restrict your ability to get free quickly. This is all in sex I am enjoying, it’s a whole different level of awareness, meta awareness and acting authentic when your overwheleming desire for a facial is caused by someones appalling, or even painful oral.
This was all brought home recently to me by non work, non aware sex. I don’t know what picture BDSM creates in your head dear reader, however, I know from people’s reaction to *that* book, and others that they seem to imagine a sub swinging from the chandeliers to please a stern, unbending Master. Their depiction of BDSM seems to differ very little from my work sex, the sub doing all they can to please the D type, after all, isn’t that what submission is for?
Except, if I am submitting, then my awareness is also submitting. If I am with Carter and my thought is how can I please him best then who is actually controlling events? If I am an actor in a scene I may be having pleasure, but for me, it would not be submitting. With Carter I can be many things, available holes, a rag doll, a lover, a little, but all of those are 100% in the here and now. If I were thinking, oh its time to kneel now because my Master has not had oral in a while, I would not be submitting.
Which is not to say I do not have non work sex which is not D/s, I do, and it is wonderful too. As I said up there I have had, and have, a lot of sex. People seem to struggle though with the idea there are different types of sex, behind the rough categories of good bad and indifferent. The basic acts may be similar (although any client who squeezed the breath from me would get thrown out, not orgasmic, sub space smiles) but sex is not about the acts it is about the state of mind of the participants. So we end at my original train of thought. When sex is just about the here and now, a moment, followed by a moment, the thud of a belt followed by a stroke of a face, then awareness beyond the here and now becomes redundant. Instead perfection is created, not because there are not fanny farts or sore backs, but because nothing behind that moment exists.
* this is simply how I do it, not a suggestion of sex worker best practice, the fantasy I fulfil is largely around GFE, so I work hard at appearing spontaneous.