This is our truth, tell us yours
Over the weekend Carter wrote a personal, and very wonderful exploration of spanking. It set me pondering the roots of paraphilias, something that has a murky history going back to Freud and his idea that masochism was somehow feminine and thus innately lesser.
In a classis freudian sense my masochism would no doubt be traced to my childhood. The nuns were free with the ruler, and there was a cat o nine tails for the child who wasn’t sufficiently cowed by the fear of eternal damnation. It might be worth pointing out I am talking about a convent school in the late 70s, not some pre war boarding school. Beating children was a perfectly acceptable part of British society until very recently. I still have somewhere the school brochure that says discipline in the form of ” a timely slap to the back of the legs” would be administered ” just as it is at home”. It was fine to hit 6 year olds, in school and out of it.
Even the comics when I was growing up normalized hitting children, Dennis bent over his fathers lap, in a position very similar to the over the knee spankings Carter describes. the usual closing frame of every story. Or teacher, with his cane, so embedded in the British psyche that a german kinkster recently expressed confusion as to why our kink scene is so dominated by school role plays.
So far, so simple and self explanatory, except, I was a good girl. I was never sent to see the Head Mistress and receive the strap. My parents were hippies (ish) who believed it was wrong to physically punish children, I may have had that timely slap, but if so I dont remember it. Even growing up it was clear that the Beano depicted another age, where teachers wore mortar boards and robes.
All too often we want to draw straight lines where none exist. One of my favourite sounds in the world is Carter unbuckling his belt. I love, and of course hate*, belts, the feel, the sound, the sharp pain, and the slap it makes against my buttocks. In the days when various white knight Dominants were trying to convince me to kneel for them one proudly told me he would never use a belt or a slipper on a sub. His reasoning was that they carried negative connotations from childhood, redolent of abuse. Well, they might of for him, but it still didnt explain why he wouldnt use them on a sub. A Dominant who cannot distinguish between his issues with an object, and a subs is not one I want anywhere near me when I am bent over and waiting for the next stroke.
Consider canes, another thing I love, and of course hate ** Carter is familiar with them from school, but his experience can never be my experience. I dont want him thinking about what a cane feels like on him when it is my skin that will be carrying those beautiful stripes. Its part of why those D types who claim they wont use any toy that hasn’t been used on them are talking such rubbish. Their experience can only ever be theirs, it tells them nothing of the experience of a sub receiving the same implement. (I decided a while back that any fool who says this will be offered my largest dildo and told to bend over, after all, if they wont use anything they havent used on a sub, its time to open wide…without lube)
In essence it comes down to the essential truth of this blog, this is our truth, tell us yours, my experience is mine, it doesnt explain how another might react or behave. All too often objections, be they to BDSM, sex work or how to cook rice, are based on one person trying to demand their experience is universal
** explaining how masochism is a love hate experience is the topic of another blog