This is our truth, tell us yours
Be aware this post discusses consensual BDSM and is not meant to be a how to guide, this works for us, thats all.
We have, between us, published thousands of words on the topic of safe words, and our own, personal view of their usefulness (or lack thereof). At its heart is the idea that reliance on a word does not prevent abuse. recently a meeting between Carter and I crystallised many of my thoughts.
I was bent over , and even the whip of the cane through the air seemed louder than usual, and the contact with my flesh harder, I twisted and turned away, but each time I most importantly I returned, even whilst my breath came in gasps and tears of pain filled my eyes. Then, as I prepared for more, more pain, more orgasms, fixing my feet on the floor, catching my breath, Carter proved what a cruel sadist he is with a simple sentence.
“I can stop anytime, just ask me to”
This, dear readers, is known as a mind fuck, or to give it its full title, a fucking sadistic mind fuck. Does a masochist want the beating? Of course, but only one part of me is a masochist, the animal says flee, the fight or flight response even while the pain causes me to orgasm. That balance, between the animal within and the human consenting is at the core of BDSM, or at least BDSM as we do it. The tension allowing us to find a place where we can simply be, where nothing exists except each moment, lived fully and experienced in its entirety, in a way so little of life is.
Of course, dear reader, I refused to say any such thing, even whilst the animal screamed out, the human wanted more, even if they, I, feared I could take no more. To say stop would have felt like a failure to me, one of our objections to safe words.
There is a point to this other than rehashing old arguments though. Recently Carter wrote of accountability, to himself and to the world in general. What is his accountability in this situation? One could say that in asking he absolved himself of responsibility, and I have met subs abused by Doms using this very argument, they had a safe word, they did not use it, therefore the Dom is not accountable for their actions.
We live in a world where people seem to refuse to accept personal responsibility, that accountability. We can never know, fully, what is going through another’s head, their motives, the life story which brings them to the place they are at, the permanent now. All we can know is ourselves. All we can be sure of is our motives. If we are willing to turn that insight on ourselves, to be honest, to look at our own motives, then we can truly be accountable. From labour leadership candidates, to anti sex worker rights activists, can they look at their actions and say they are willing to be truly accountable for the impact of their words and deeds? Perhaps this is the test of that most mysterious thing, what it is to be a good person.