This is our truth, tell us yours
If our blogging on sex here could be summed up it might be that we write sex for grown ups. We dont mind what you do so long as you approach it with the accountability and willingness to accept the consequences that go with being an adult. This extends to the impact your particular paraphilias and fetishes might have on other people.
Which brings me to a newspaper report of a couple up in court for what has been described as “revolting” behaviour at a Paloma Faith concert. The judge’s language is pretty strong, and since the media is exercising its usual prurience in saying be outraged, but not exactly what we should be outraged about we can only speculate about what was so revolting. Perhaps the defendants had an alien egg fetish? Or perhaps the rational response to a Paloma Faith concert is to ask your partner to use their thighs as impromptu ear muffs. It seems we shall never know.
One thing we do know is that the couple here were most certainly adults, aged 47 and 48. A long time ago I wrote about, and defended the activities of Slane Girl in the face of slutshaming across the internet. Despite a superficial resemblance I think what happened was very different. A teenager giving blow jobs in a cordoned off toilet queue may be breaking the same laws, but their very age makes a difference. The desire to explore, to excel, to break conventions is as much of being a teenager as acne and sleeping until noon. This is not to say that teenagers are not accountable for their actions, but that they should be held to a different level of accountability. A teenager giving their partner a hand job under a blanket (and who hasn’t done it) is a world away from a couple who can arrange an afternoon quickie in the local Premier Inn if they are desperate, or horny or both.
Here we had two people who not only considered it acceptable to force their sexual behaviour on others (for this is what they did) but who refused to accept they had done anything wrong. Indeed some of the judge’s anger could have been prompted by the fact things could have been resolved quickly, and more cheaply by a guilty plea at an earlier stage.
My mind instantly goes to another person in the news today who refuses to accept there may be consequences of their sexual behaviour, that of course is Julian Assange. You may think, dear reader, it is quite a leap from two people fucking (or whatever they were doing) to Assange but for me the parallels are striking.
Sometimes being a grown up means other people have different interpretations of our actions. (I am not saying this is what happened with Assange, I tend to think we should call rapists rapists) If you have sex with someone part of being a grown up is being aware that the other person may see the experience differently to you. A pleasanter example happened to me recently with some feedback a client left. I had not, in my own eyes, been the best I can be. This niggled a bit, I pride myself on my work, hoping to create something wonderful for each client. In the feedback the client described our time together as the best evening he had ever had, and the sex as incredible and indescribable (he still tried, I do wish clients would not write reviews with one hand) A simple example that shows when it comes to sex unless we explicitly ask we cannot be sure what is happening for the other parties.
Sometimes not asking turns into rape. Sometimes ignoring that our wishes and desires are not the only things that matter turn into a £1000 fine and your pictures spread all over the papers. It’s a continuum though, where the scale is measured by are you a grown up and willing to accept the responsibility that entails from your actions.