Sometimes, it's just a cigar

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When certainty becomes a cage

On this blog and its predecessor I’ve written, at some length, about love and its meaning.

As someone who feels inspired by the ideas of Erich Fromm, and his re-casting of love within a modern psycho-analytical framework I’ve eschewed the word love to describe emotions. Not least, of course, because  I love you is a lie told too easily by boys and men who mistake the experience of lust for an expression of a deeper emotion.

So I have been certain that I will never say I love you again to someone with whom I’m having  a sexual experience. Valentine’s Day is a huge, saccharine joke to me and the urge to whisper I love you as I bask in the warmth of someone else’s gift of pleasure and intimacy is suppressed ruthlessly.

Yet I try to live with love for all those around me, to add to their lives creatively, and with kindness and care. I even rationalize not using the words of the cheap songs and the drippy, soap suds and candyfloss poems as an act of kindness, an avoidance of deceit.

What if others say their words sincerely though?And what if I want someone else to know that in the concentric circles of my relationships they are in the closest orbits, the places where I most want someone to experience me as someone who acts with love in their heart?

I may never say I love you in the same way again, but I hope that the experience of me is that I act with love. The decision, as to whether I love, is not mine to make, but for others to decide. If someone ever made a Valentine’s card that said ‘I hope your experience of me is that I am a man with love in his heart and kind intentions’ I would send it to all the world, beginning with those who most make me experience their love and kindness. My job is to make them know who they are.

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One comment on “When certainty becomes a cage

  1. georgefinnegan
    September 20, 2015

    To me it seems what you’re speaking about above is attachment and the results of it and not really ‘love’. Love doesn’t come from people. You seem to have said, in the past, that if the mind isn’t receptive to sex with someone, then nothing happens. It’s the same with love. Love arises spontaneously from within you, as it is allowed. Others can only encourage it or discourage it as the case may be. And you can allow it to arise within yourself under all circumstances, if you want and it is good for you, if you can. But, when people allow attachments, which are fantasies, then they suffer when those ideas don’t come true. You can allow love to arise in yourself without getting involved with attachment by knowing that you have absolute control over whether you love or not and it won’t make you less of a person when others don’t encourage or ‘deserve’ that love.

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This entry was posted on September 20, 2015 by in Uncategorized.

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