This is our truth, tell us yours
One of the common ways those opposed to sex worker rights attack sex workers is by making derogatory references to our bodies,we are fleshsacks, meatbags, holes and orifices (TM) Helen Lewis). Part of this is simply middle class feminist disdain for working class women. I touched on this here, we are too loud, too fecund, too different from the norms they espouse. We do not feed our children on quinoa snatched from the mouths of poor brown children, nor do we wear £70 jumpers to prove our feminist credentials.
There is though another aspect, around what kind of sex is acceptable. Christian right-winger or radfem would make the worlds best buzzfeed quiz, since it is very difficult to tell the difference between them. Both push the idea that there is an acceptable form of sex, based purely around pair bonding, something undefinable called romantic love, and the production of the next generation of cogs in the capitalist machine. (As an aside it is notable that the mainstream feminist campaign about marriage certificates doesn’t understand that marriage itself is about property relations and the ownership of both women and children)
In this conception of sex women are never lustful, sex is always gentle, lights off, bras on, hollywood sex where at the moment of climax nothing more than a cry of “I love you” to show the sex is of an acceptable nature is allowed.. Now of course this is the sex some find fulfilling, and it is not my intention in this post to say demi or gray people are somehow doing sex wrong. However there are many ways to do sex. Recently I was on all fours and my fellow traveller was pushing me over the edge of ecstasy by moving his hands and cock between my arse and pussy. I could not see him, there were no words, no sweet nothings to prove that this was “right sex” or that he admired me as a person. It flashed through my head at the time that being simply holes was wonderful. The world had disappeared, the worries, the stresses, the day-to-day which leaves me unsure and anxious. Here there was certainty.a freedom that perhaps only other submissives will recognise. In the very act some would call degrading I experienced extreme joy,
Looking at it now it occurs that another reason I find this sex where I am reduced ( although I believe elevated is a better word) to being holes, to my holes, to a purely sexual creature, is because so much of my sex is performative. I often come whilst working, I see this as a blessing, it reduces the amount of emotional labour involved in sex work for me. It’s also nice (for me) to come. However even in this I have to be constantly aware of things apart from physical pleasure. Part is a pride in my work, to ensure the client has a memorable time with me. There are practicalities, time keeping paying attention to how close to orgasm they are, and of course safety considerations. All of this means that in fact the very thing swerfs accuse me of, of being a mindless piece of meat, is impossible. To stay safe as a sex worker, and to be the best sex worker I can be even in the midst of orgasming my mind is working, aware, watching.
Is it any surprise then that my soul soars when for all too short a time I can have sex which is truly mindless, give myself because I trust, be holes because I do not have to be all the other things my life involves?
All too often we look at how someone else does something and decide they are wrong because it does not suit our personal inclinations.Unfortunately when it comes to sex the unholy alliance of feminists and the religious right are in a position to legislate against the kind of sex which they disapprove of. Not non consensual sex, simply sex done in a way they think is unsuitable, no different from a bishop complaining that gels from the home counties are having too much anal sex.