Sometimes, it's just a cigar

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Informed Consent.


Content note for mention of child abuse 

One of the biggest fallacies of the modern age is that consent is simple. From comparisons to tea, brilliantly critiqued here by Justin Bish, to the idea you just need to be horny implicit within “enthusiastic consent” everyone seems to have their lukewarm take.

In the time I have known Carter it has become ever clearer to me that consent is at the heart of what he does,  not enthusiastic or based on submission, but informed, thoughtful and mind led. Perhaps it comes from both of us being survivors of CSA. We learned long before we reached the age of consent that you could want something, but not be able to give full, informed consent. One of the hardest things for many survivors to admit is that they were aroused by what happened to them. Its not a narrative the world wants to hear, we must hate every minute or it is not abuse, and thus the real rape, respectable victim narrative is maintained.

As I wrote here a large part of this is the idea of a fate worse than death, your purity so important to you that you never recover, forever damaged, forever knowing you would have been better off dead than soiled. The defence of the purity narrative means any admission of pleasure, arousal or orgasm moves you from the box marked victim to the box marked complicit in your own abuse.

I know when at the age of twelve my abuser abandoned me the wrench was huge, not only did I feel unwanted, unloved, but I didn’t know how to replicate those feelings they aroused within my body, having been masturbated for years, I did not know how to masturbate.

Frankly I would have consented to anything, with anyone to simply orgasm.

Could I give informed consent? Of course not, my physical desire (the basis of that enthusiastic consent) did not override the fact I was unable to consent to what was done to me.

Why this wander around consent? As regular readers (do we have any, did you get lost looking for St Marys Lighthouse) things went awry recently, and its taken care, patience and understanding on Carters part to be in the good place we currently are. He said at the time that previously he might have left when asked, and I honestly dont know what darkness that might have led too. Instead though he stayed, willing to have the conversation genuine consent is based on.

It takes guts to have that conversation, easier to insist consent is one time, or simple, or based on the wetness between the legs. The conversation isn’t a one time deal though, that’s why having consented in the past does not give blanket consent permanently. Part of informed consent is the mind, which seems obvious, but is about not assuming or guessing what the state of mind of someone else is.

Another part of informed consent is not being a mind reader (although I have frequently said Carter does have those powers.) If you want to inflict pain on someone as part of kink related sex, it must be consensual, however the state of mind of the person kneeling matters hugely. Just as as a child I can have wanted something, but not been able to consent, so a submissive can want want the pain, but not for reasons which are wholly healthy (although I chose my words with care since it is not my place to say what is acceptable kink and what is not).

It is a strange dichotomy though, I wish to submit to carter, I do submit to him, and he Dominates me, but if I consent to pain, to a caning, because I believe it is what he wants, but with no desire in me for that pain, is that full informed consent? There are indeed some subs who would say yes, that is enough, and their pleasure comes from submitting to anything their Master desires. As we have often said , this is what works for us, not a how to guide. I do know though that Carter has made clear he doesnt have a doormat fetish, that my desires matter, even as he can railroad through them like a juggernaut or heighten them with soft hands and gentle kisses.

The central feature always is this, its when people consent for those other reasons, the reasons which edge close to that twelve year old me who would have done anything for one more orgasm that harm is done. I may be attempting the impossible, to enter the mind of another, but I can understand why that does not look like informed consent to carter.



3 comments on “Informed Consent.

  1. Reticent Mental Property
    December 19, 2015

    Always such depth of thought, semantic analyses, brutal honesty here.


  2. Pingback: lessons learnt. | Sometimes, it's just a cigar

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This entry was posted on December 18, 2015 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , .

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