This is our truth, tell us yours
Be aware this post mentions consensual sex and kink
As time has passed we have written less and less about sex here, it’s not a problem, as Carter said to me yesterday, we are not who we were, even if we carry all those others within us, like a set of russian dolls. We do however still write, and care, a lot about consent here, and so a moment comes to mind, which crystallises what consent looks like.
Recently I bent for the cane, one of the unanswerable questions of life, like why do people still watch Graham Norton, is; Does Carter beat me harder than he used to, or am I more of a woose since I dont feel I need to prove some twue sub credentials? Whichever, its still the case that we dont follow many of the rules places like fetlife propagate. I still remember a submissive friend telling me not having a warm up pre caneing is abusive.
I am not sure they would have counted watching Carter strip as a warm up.
So I was caned, there was pain, there was consent, as I had to explicitly ask for the pain, and the pleasure.
Then, afterwards, lying side by side, Carter, gently, touched my face and I flinched. For some reason my jaw still hurts after having my wisdom tooth out last week. This was not the intended pain, and he checked why I had flinched.
Which goes to the heart of what consent looks like, or should look like. Far too often consent is presented like getting in a lift, and choosing a floor. Once the button is pressed thats it, the doors do not open until you reach your destination.
Consent should be like taking the stairs, stopping to catch your breath, and, conscious of each step, each moment, each movement forward. As you may know I have my problems with sex positivity in its erasure of sex work voices, however it must be said that sex this way, it’s so much better. There seems to be this idea that being overcome with lust leads to good sex, in my experience, it doesn’t, it leads to the sex we so often regret, that doesn’t even scratch an itch. Desire is not the enemy of consent, together they turn the physical acts into something more, something which can touch the soul. All you need to have sex is consent, but when it, and desire are present, then sex can truly be transformed. Desire without consent however, is, always, abuse, and we need, as a society to say that more clearly.
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