Sometimes, it's just a cigar

This is our truth, tell us yours

The tyranny of perfection

There is a conventional narrative around BDSM, in which the submissive is brought to a recognition and understanding of their innermost desires. It may have a slight air of “twueness” around it, a reduction of the variety of human experience to a movie of the week one and a half hour arc. There is a truth to it I recognise however. Generally subs want to experience a world that for some reason they have not been able to do alone. It simply isn’t possible to spank yourself, believe me, I have tried. Joking aside whether it be forced feminization, age play, or masochism, a large part of the D/s dynamic for a sub is finding the right person to say “I want to try this thing, and believe I can unveil this dark corner of my soul to you”.

Perhaps its this process of learning to trust, and thus revealing your innermost desires, which caused so many of us to have problems with fifty shades of shite. We know, from our real world relationships, that when its the other way around, when its the D saying to someone else, this is what I want to explore, and you will be my engine of exploration, then abuse so often follows. It’s not, as some say, that the sub has control. For being able to end a thing is not control, its an on/ off switch which many subs like myself hope to never touch. (And when we do it causes us more pain than those who claim we have control could ever understand). I must say too, that whilst I have never encountered it, a sub who manipulated a partner in the same way, perhaps demanding a beating against the desires of their partner, would be just as abusive. Consent rests on lack of manipulation, lack of coercion, no idea that certain sex acts must take place in order to keep someone’s love and approval. The fact is though that I have sat with those women who told tale of abuse disguised as BDSM, of the partners who used “this is what a good sub would do” to paint over their own transgressions.

So, we have a recognisable narrative, of a sub finding someone with which they wish to embark on an exploration, and whichever way you do that it usually involves some form of exchange of limits, desires and attitudes towards BDSM. The idea is carried within that narrative that the sub will have further to journey, and will be guided, in some way, by the D of the relationship, whether is be for a few hours, or many years. Perhaps this sums up the difference between submitting and bottoming. Whilst they contain many acts which are interchangeable, for me at least, bottoming means having a set out idea of what you want to happen and how, the journey is mapped out by the bottom, and the top knows where each stop on the way is in advance. ( I need to reiterate I can only write how these things are for me, this is not to say anyone else doing it differently is doing it wrong).

In conversation last night a huge problem with this narrative occurred to me for the first time.That it was the first time probably says more about me, and my deeply hidden streak of “twueness” than anything else (and yes I know its a contradiction to write openly of something being deeply hidden, so sue me). The narrative describes places a burden upon the D of the relationship. Of course they must, hopefully be competent with any equipment that is being used, but as the title describes it, is there also a tyranny of the expectation of perfection? In order to trust, to open themselves fully, a sub needs to know they can rely fully on the D type. In our conventional perspective though does this impose the idea on the D that they should be “finished”?

I am not even sure I have an answer to my own question. If there is one thing we attempt to do on this blog it is to speak to the humanity behind the masks the world might perceive. In humanity we see weakness, frailty, mistakes, not as signs of failure, but as signs of that vital humanity, that we are people, not ciphers. Perhaps I need to square the circle in my own head, of trusting someone so fully words cannot describe, with allowing (and what a strange word for a sub to write) them to be unfinished, also a work in progress. To extend from my own navel gazing, perhaps its something we all need to remember of those we admire.They too are  human, they are travelling their own roads, and who may, from time to time, decide to change direction, or need to stop awhile because their burdens are too heavy. If we are not willing to do this we break that ultimate rule, the sin of treating people like objects.



2 comments on “The tyranny of perfection

  1. ValeryNorth
    June 1, 2016

    I definitely feel there’s a narrative or expectation of Domly perfection (usually also requiring them to be “humble” about it too!) – I wrote about it in response to yet another “what to look for” list a few years back.

    You’ve encapsulated so much of the “messy” part of D/s, the part that can’t be captured in simple catchphrases, in this post, and done so in concise and eloquent fashion. Thank you!


    • jemima2016
      June 1, 2016

      thank you! messy is a good word, because people are messy, and we need to acknowledge that

      Liked by 1 person

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This entry was posted on May 31, 2016 by in Uncategorized and tagged , .

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