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Rainy Fascist Love Island

Given how serious the news has been recently you may have missed that their has been a toppling of a monarch and the crowning of a new one last week. Yes, Zara Holland was “decrowned” as Miss Great Britain. I do not know if she declared as Charles I did that there was no jury of her peers, so she could not be condemned. Nor do I know if she is currently languishing on the Isle of Wight, awaiting rescue which will never come. Perhaps she is more in the mold of Mary Queen of Scots, knowing she will be usurped, but maintaining a dignity which impresses all around her.

OK, I confess, I have never seen Love Island, I did not know of it’s existence until this weekend. Nor did I know we had a Miss Great Britain. I personally find the idea of pageants very odd, as if someone left a piece of 1957 festering at the back of the fridge for the unaware to discover late at night whilst looking for supper. Indeed from looking at the pictures of the contestants the whole style seems to ignore that any fashion trends have happened since the early 1980s, hair, make up and clothing look like my dream femme fantasy as a child.Nevertheless, I will defend the right of anyone to earn money with their looks, body, or any combination of the two. If performative labour of one kind is OK, performative labour of all kinds is OK, even if your performance involves pretending anyone looks good with an orange dress and bleached blonde hair.

So, why the interest in a show I have never seen, and a competition most of us assumed had gone the way of tudor crisps and Manimal? Zara Holland is no longer Miss GB for one reason, because she had sex. Not only that, she had sex, on a show where the point is to date other Z list celebs, where you are given cabins, with large double beds, where the speculation is around who will sleep with who, and the public are encouraged to vote on pairings.

She had sex on a show whose whole raison d’etre is putting couples together, filming what happens, and it wasn’t on porn hub.

This is like sacking Gordon Ramsey because he swore to much.

To quote the reanimated zombies who run Miss GB (not literally, I assume she is a person and not some kind of soulless corporate entity, I may be wrong).

“We wholly understand that everyone makes mistakes, but Zara, as an ambassador for Miss Great Britain, simply did not uphold the responsibility expected of the title.”

The responsibility expected? What exactly is this? A no sex clause? Are they going to enforce virginity checks like a medieval monarch? What about wanking? A big brother contestant (in)famously masturbated with a wine bottle, is this acceptable? Or if it is not is Miss GB expected to refrain from any sexual contact whatsoever for the duration of her reign?

If Miss GB is queer is she allowed to use a strap on? I think the rules of the responsibility expected need to be laid out. Is pegging OK, but being entered not? What about a poly Miss GB,  which partners can, and cant she have sex with?

Or, alternatively, I can hear 1057 calling, and it wants it morals back.

It is 2016, and whatever you think of beauty pageants the fact a woman has lost a title she competed for, because she does not fit some mythical purity test should make you angry.The fact consensual sex between two adults is described as a mistake, and basically gets you sacked, should make you angry.

It should make you even angrier in the week Ched Evans got signed by a new club, willing to overlook the fact he is on trial for rape in October.

Of course I know the answers to my own questions. Zara Holland can have sex if the four letter word is uttered, love, not fuck. It must be straight, it must be monogamous, it does not need to be fun, or particularly wanted, in fact enjoying it too much will be held against her. Welcome to rainy fascist love island. Leave your sexuality at the door and dont forget to turn out the lights.



3 comments on “Rainy Fascist Love Island

  1. ValeryNorth
    June 21, 2016

    Imagine if they did that with the Olympics: “sorry, you did run faster than anyone else, but you had a one night stand the night after to celebrate, so we’re giving the gold to the runner up!”


    Liked by 1 person

    • jemima2016
      June 21, 2016

      Its an interesting comparison, because apparently once people have done their event the Olympic village is a total shag fest, something perhaps of people in the real world, genuinely pushing themselves being treated like adults?

      Liked by 2 people

  2. CandyRoux
    June 23, 2016

    To compete in Miss GB you have to trot around in heels and a bikini, smile at the judges, simper at their jokes, blow some words out your mouthhole like “I’m so nice and I think it would be nice if everyone was as nice as me” – in short, fulfilling the most basically, boringly narrow definition of “sexy” that a heteronormative capitalist patriarchy prescribes…but God forbid you might HAVE sex, heavens forfend you might commit a consensual, joyous act of fuckery! The stanking hypocrisy of it!


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This entry was posted on June 21, 2016 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , .

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