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Vanilla, ice, ice, Daddy

Content note for mention of consensual sex 

Last night twitter resembled a beatnik cafe, full of hep daddies, clicking their fingers along to the groove. This outbreak of paternal feeling was caused by someone with more fame than sense holding forth on who was allowed to call other people daddy. I wont be linking, as I am still unsure it wasn’t just an attempt at publicity. However, before we get to the meat, a starter of things which need to be taken as read

  • kink does not mean queer, some of the straightest people you will ever meet are 24/7 kinksters
  • queer does not mean kinky, or poly
  • Leather men did not invent kink, nor did they invent the idea of calling someone daddy

Anyone who has ever read any Victorian erotica knows its fascination with incest porn, Literotica was not the first place to have an inc tag. I am pretty sure that as long as people have been getting hot from playing with power a subset of them will have been using familial terms to address their lover. It’s such an obvious taboo in so many ways, because when it comes to taboos the incest bar is found in almost every culture, it’s kind of taboo 101. Which is not to dismiss those who play with these terms as obvious, but to simply point out that leather men can no more hailed as inventors of it as Bake off can be credited with the invention of gingham.

Some will be bristling at the idea that they call a sexual partner Daddy because of the power of taboo. It must be said that there are certain cultural factors which also come into play. It was common until reasonably recently in the North of England for couples to call each other Mother and Father (Brass played with this rather well). Different cultures, different races, classes, societies, have had different ways they refer to romantic/sexual partners. However when you chose to do so, without a cultural tradition and with the knowledge of the taboo, you are in some way accessing the power of the incest bar.

Both Carter and I know that people do this, get off on calling a sexual partner with a familial term, with no knowledge that kink even exists. There is a strange idea that people need to study for some kind of test before they do anything kinky, a test which is 99% theory and 1% practical. The practical component is of course choosing the correct username for fetlike.

These theoretical kinksters have invented the term vanilla to denote something lesser than their kind of sex. All binaries are false, but this is worse than most, since it looks from the outside at how others are having sex and determines its worth. It seems like we have been saying this since we first started blogging together, but still it needs to be repeated: Sex acts do not carry any intrinsic meaning, the act itself is not kinky, or submissive, or “vanilla” or dominant, intent is everything. I am reminded of a recent meeting between Carter and I, when I sat astride him, holding his hands, to the outside observer apparently holding him down. Except what was really happening was that he had smashed my mind into such tiny pieces that all that mattered was my next orgasm, reducing me as only his Dominance can to pure lust. I was no less submissive than when he was facefucking me, something so many involved with kink still cannot understand.

Just as some acts are not sub or Dom, so they are not “vanilla” or kinky. Missionary can be kinky as fuck when someone is using their weight to pin your arms to the bed. And, yes, high protocol BDSM can be as straight as fuck when you are being paid to wear a collar and call someone Daddy. There is no divide, if a monogomous hetrosexual couple whisper daddy (or mummy) during sex, they are doing kink. The moment they choose to access the taboo they are doing kink, the moment they stop, they are not vanilla, they have just stopped doing kink.

Kink is not a lifestyle, a look, a set of actions, its an attitude to the other people you are sexually involved with, sometimes just for the moments of sexual interaction, sometimes longer. There is no vanilla, there is just people not doing kink at that moment, with that partner.



One comment on “Vanilla, ice, ice, Daddy

  1. Alex
    September 1, 2016

    Have you considered it might just be an erotic narrative where all the antagonists were consenting, older than 18, and not related to each other, would be far too bizarre for the Victorian reader? It was written when it was written after all. Value your experience, wisdom and insight at all times of course. Certainly you are right that appropriating “daddy” for a particular gay BDSM subculture is an absolute nonsense. There is abundant use of “daddy” as a term of endearment between het, non-kinky couples going back decades.


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This entry was posted on August 21, 2016 by in Uncategorized and tagged , , , .

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