This is our truth, tell us yours
One of the various strands of twitter I follow is D/s porn, where pictures are recaptioned. Before anyone complains about pic-stealing may I suggest you see if you are following a certain academic who has inserted herself into sex work activism. But, I digress, I like these pictures and gifs, even if they are problematic. I am struck however by how often orgasm denial plays a part in them.
Here I have to do the obligatory disclaimer that has become part of how my fellow blogger and I address the world, we write about how we do BDSM and relationships. We write because we didn’t see many people talking about something we recognised, and thought that these were conversations that needed to be had. We do not write to position ourselves as some arbiters of what is right for anyone else.
Disclaimer over, I am wondering at the focus so many apparently Dominant men have on orgasm denial. Now, of course it is always fun to be made to beg, or to hear someone begging. Orgasm bans can focus the mind like nothing else. It’s the old “don’t think of pink elephants”. You can be going along, perfectly unhorny, and the minute a ban is imposed all you want to do is come. So I get it, I really do, making someone wait, or beg, or focus their mind on the one thing they are not allowed to do, works.
Yet, still, there is a voice at the back of my head thinking “Really, that’s all you have got?” My mind also goes to a recent meeting between Carter and I, where as he determined, as usual, that the number of orgasms I was going to have was going to be more than I believed I was able to have. That is not a unique event, however as the denial gifs have floated through my timeline a later conversation has come to mind. Carter was explaining how as a much younger person he realised the imbalance between orgasms in most women, and men. Women can come far more than men, and if you unlock the secret to making an individual woman (because their is no universal rule) come, she is far more likely to invite you back.
It’s almost as if those Dominants obsessed with denial are afraid of this imbalance. The glorious ability to come as many times as you can count during one sexual interaction is literally something most cis men can only experience by association. what if orgasm denial is for them a way to limit their partners experience to something they have experienced? The fear of the small minded is always that if it is not within their own experience, they are diminished. We see this in so many spheres, your experience is different so therefor it must be wrong. What if denial is used by those who are afraid of the ability to come many times, when they can usually only come once?
After all anyone can make a woman not come, believe me, its pretty much the default state most of the time. Anyone can make you so frustrated by almost getting there but by incompetence stopping. I have lost count of the number of times that clients, on hearing a gasp of “oh yes” stop exactly what they are doing.
Not making someone with a clit and vagina come is no skill at all.
However, perhaps there is skill, or learning, in not being afraid of the difference, of not making the orgasm of the penis the gold standard by which all others are measured?