10 things you didn’t know about Operation London Bridge
Operation London Bridge is Buckingham Palace’s code for the slick, smooth running operation that will mark the passing of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second. The Guardian published a lengthy piece yesterday leaked by Buck House who may wish to prepare us for the inevitable. In the spirit of journalism rather than spin we’ve dug deeper to find ten facts the Palace left out from the version their officials helpfully emailed to the Guardian.
- Charles and Phillip will not be available to meet some helpful officials from the DWP who need to explain that a crisis loan may not cover the full cost of the funeral,and that they may need to check if there are heirlooms to cover the shortfall.
- It is true that the corgis won’t be fed for three days after the passing of Her Majesty; this is not just to make sure they look suitably sad and bewildered at the loss of their spiritual mother, but also so that their wan and underfed expressions give the lie to the inevitable rumour that a closed coffin funeral is advised because of how long the queen lay unattended before someone found her. Starving the corgis, even with the attendant risks (since they’re snappy little bastards and dangerous in a pack) is better than explaining that dying alone and unattended except by hungry pets is what happens to poor people who reach that age. BBC Radio have confirmed that Marie Prevost by Nick Lowe will be removed from their record library for the duration of the mourning period.
- Border Agency officials who wish to question Phillip’s right to remain since he is, technically, a foreign national now his British spouse has gone will be shot by Guardsmen. In a bid to secure community commitment to the funeral and its hideous expense Phillip’s view that everyone should have the right to do this to cynical bureaucratic bastards breaking up families in their time of need will be leaked to every pirate radio outlet in London, giving presenters who secretly crave a job on the BBC a chance to make up demo tapes of their riff over a suitably slow groove reminding listeners that the royals are just another immigrant family trying to make their way in Britain.
- Ofcom will send a strongly worded circular to Babestation reminding them that performers must wear black armbands at all time, and must not in any circumstances take the armbands off and lick them suggestively.
- Secret discussions between the Daily Mail and the Palace have secured a promise that only 30% of the Sidebar of Shame will feature the well turned legs and gorgeously suggestive mourning outfits of Z list celebs, clapped out actresses and under age members of the royal family supporters club queuing for the lying in state. In the event of inclement weather the 30% does not cover bonus shots of nipple pokies or a wet top suggestively outlining the womanly curves of a 13yr old seventh cousin twice removed of her majesty.
- It is true that, on the day of the funeral, the Queen’s commitment to the environment will be marked by Drax B power station burning all records, photos and souvenirs of the queen meeting Jimmy Saville. It is expected this will generate 1% of the nations’s energy requirements and will offset the climate change impact of everyone fucking off to B&Q to avoid the wall to wall sanctimonious outpourings on the television.
- The Dutch economy is expected to grow by 1.5% in the short term as a result of her majesty passing, as millions of people queue at petrol stations to buy cheap imported bouquets to place on improvised memorials in every town and village. Local authorities have prepared plans to collect these for composting, and the Taxpayers Alliance will issue an entirely untrue accusation that each such collection was vetted by an army of equalities and diversity consultants who were utterly unnecessary given that we have been ruled by a woman since 1952.
- A BBC late night DJ on Radio Fens (tagline ‘Flat out to nowhere’) will be ceremonially excoriated by the popular press and then sacked for playing Tom Jones’s version of St James Infirmary Blues and saying ‘now that’s how you do mourning’ before a respectful silence and reading the fish market price report from Lowestoft. The DJ in question has already volunteered for the job and accepts that his generous payoff and pension is a small price to pay for stoking the fires of righteous outrage.
- Tony Robinson and the family of the late Professor Mick Aston will receive a small payment in lieu of repeat fees after Discovery Channel promise not to show any episodes of Time Team featuring digging up past kings or high status burials in general, lest it give people ideas.
- Government has not risk assessed the economic impact of Her Majesty not dying on the commemorative plate industry, since it cannot question the idea that her majesty’s immortality is a god thing. In any case,said an official, if we could prove she is immortal,we’d need a shed load of plates to catch Charles’s tears.
As a footnote, the Palace refused to confirm or deny that it has asked the Sun to spike the story about a DNA match between James Hewitt and Prince Harry until after the funeral.