This is our truth, tell us yours
Part of the joy of being in a BDSM relationship with a woman who is cleverer than I am is that she constantly provokes me into thinking about what we do.
I can’t claim that I always have thought about the things I do. The first time I tied someone to a bed, with a handful of ties and a belt, I thought I was being kinky, and sexy, but nothing more. I knew there was something called sadism, and masochism, but not that there was any connecting body of thought that made sense of them.
It was easy to think, back then, in terms of submission as being an expression of who the sub was in everyday life.
Then I started to realize the world was more complicated. Amongst those complicated subs is my co-author here, Jem. I invented the term powersub for her, that she is a woman of power, ability and talent, even when she is being utterly submissive. The first time we had sex, and I spanked her, I realised I needed to up my game
It probably sums up our slightly eccentric orientation to the world of BDSM that as soon as I had defined a powersub as a person who wields and directs power, whilst also submitting, we both concluded that the default reaction, in BDSM circles, to the idea of a sub who wields power would be the age old cliche of the public school educated male being flogged on his lunch hour.
One of the ideas we both subscribed to completely is that BDSM 24/7 is impractical. Impractical for us, that is. Neither of us could contemplate how our lives could fit alongside a 24/7 practice of BDSM, even if, privately, we’ve acted out a relationship that is about learning from each other, and learning through each other how to live in a loving way. Somewhere out there in the ether are my early blogs trying to synthesize my ideas about love, derived from Erich Fromm with the joy our BDSM practice gave me.
Jem’s continuous growth into her role as a person of power and influence hasn’t diminished our relationship, or my sense that she is my sub. Quite the opposite. Her way of being a sub undermines the very deep rooted idea of the sub as weak, or powerless, and also reminds me of how far I have come from that boy who thought incompetently tying his girlfriend to the bed (I had to cut one of the ties to set her free) made him some kind of kinkster.
And outside our sex lives? I don’t have to give up a moment of my power. Her generous kindly way of being a powersub enables me to be a powerdom, so that our ways of having sex only interact when we are together or trying to arouse each other. Making great sex her gift to me is just another feature of her power….